I was talking to dawnstar yesterday and one of the things I said is that the only good thing I can say about my father is that I'm a better person because of, or perhaps despite him. And she and stile both asked "How do you really know?" And I can't answer. How do I know I'm a better man for having a father as terrible as mine was compared to no father at all or, completely differently, a good father? I don't. I can't. There is no way to answer that question because I don't have the power to run a controlled experiment contrasting me as I am now with a me who had no father or me with had a good father.
No, you can't run a "controlled experiment", but on the other hand, life (as we perceive it, anyway) is hardly controlled in the first place.
On the other hand, I think you do know you're better, because you have a pretty good example of what sort of person you do NOT want to be. It's horrible in some ways that it had to be a negative rather than positive example, but you can still take something from that. You have a concrete example of what a bad father is like, and to this day, you take clues from that on how you want to be different.
I think you've also had a positive example in what your mom's been able to do for herself since the divorce. Think about the kind of hell (pun only half intended) she's been through, and how in spite of it she's still managed to do pretty well for herself and her sons. It's sucked along the way, but would you honestly say she's learned nothing from it? I think that would be giving her less credit than she deserves.
If I hadn't been adopted, I wouldn't have gone through some horrible things like the incident before my 18th birthday. On the other hand, I also likely wouldn't have ever met blackfelicula, which has been one of the most enduring friendships in my life to this point.
9/11? Yes, it sucked a lot for a lot of people. I will never, ever say otherwise. It also brought a lot of people together, very quickly, in a way that wouldn't have been possible under less extreme circumstances. It was said after the blackout last month that things in NYC might have been a lot crazier if it weren't for 9/11 -- people would have been a lot less sensitive and caring, even if they also wouldn't have been as frightened by it. The Red Cross, sadly, could never have inspired as many people to donate blood and time on its own. Many fewer people would have realized what a messy position the U.S. had put itself in before that point. (What Bush has done, or failed to do, with the multi-national support we had for a short time after that, I lay directly at his feet and the feet of those running the PNAC kolysposted about the other day -- not any of those responsible for planning 9/11 in the first place.)
There is always another side to any great triumph or great tragedy. The question is, can you look beyond your own limited scope and find it? I think the world would be a better place if more people rose to that challenge, instead of basking in their own glory or despair.
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And I can't answer.
How do I know I'm a better man for having a father as terrible as mine was compared to no father at all or, completely differently, a good father? I don't. I can't. There is no way to answer that question because I don't have the power to run a controlled experiment contrasting me as I am now with a me who had no father or me with had a good father.
No, you can't run a "controlled experiment", but on the other hand, life (as we perceive it, anyway) is hardly controlled in the first place.
On the other hand, I think you do know you're better, because you have a pretty good example of what sort of person you do NOT want to be. It's horrible in some ways that it had to be a negative rather than positive example, but you can still take something from that. You have a concrete example of what a bad father is like, and to this day, you take clues from that on how you want to be different.
I think you've also had a positive example in what your mom's been able to do for herself since the divorce. Think about the kind of hell (pun only half intended) she's been through, and how in spite of it she's still managed to do pretty well for herself and her sons. It's sucked along the way, but would you honestly say she's learned nothing from it? I think that would be giving her less credit than she deserves.
If I hadn't been adopted, I wouldn't have gone through some horrible things like the incident before my 18th birthday. On the other hand, I also likely wouldn't have ever met
9/11? Yes, it sucked a lot for a lot of people. I will never, ever say otherwise. It also brought a lot of people together, very quickly, in a way that wouldn't have been possible under less extreme circumstances. It was said after the blackout last month that things in NYC might have been a lot crazier if it weren't for 9/11 -- people would have been a lot less sensitive and caring, even if they also wouldn't have been as frightened by it. The Red Cross, sadly, could never have inspired as many people to donate blood and time on its own. Many fewer people would have realized what a messy position the U.S. had put itself in before that point. (What Bush has done, or failed to do, with the multi-national support we had for a short time after that, I lay directly at his feet and the feet of those running the PNAC
There is always another side to any great triumph or great tragedy. The question is, can you look beyond your own limited scope and find it? I think the world would be a better place if more people rose to that challenge, instead of basking in their own glory or despair.