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Rest in Peace Little One
At 10:10 PM on November 13, 2001, Merlin "Hot Stuff" Kellick died. He was only about four months old. We had had him for near three weeks.
Cause of death: massive trauma to his abdomen and organs inside. He was stepped on... by me.
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malytwotails once said that when little kittens die they go to a place where dead children went and entertained them and made them smile. Something about over the rainbow.. I don't remember all the details. I pray that that is true. That little hot stuff is somewhere making someone else as happy as he made us when he was here.
I'm so upset I can't even begin to describe it. I can't put words to my sorrow.
I know I can't blame myself.. accidents happen.. but in some way I do.. I killed him... and even though he'll forgive me (the vet swears he never knew what had happened) and you'll all forgive me, I'm not sure I can forgive myself.
I can't think of much else to say but this..
Rest in Peace, Hot Stuff... you weren't here very long, but you brought alot of joy into our lives and we loved you. Thank you for that.
Cause of death: massive trauma to his abdomen and organs inside. He was stepped on... by me.
malytwotails once said that when little kittens die they go to a place where dead children went and entertained them and made them smile. Something about over the rainbow.. I don't remember all the details. I pray that that is true. That little hot stuff is somewhere making someone else as happy as he made us when he was here.I'm so upset I can't even begin to describe it. I can't put words to my sorrow.
I know I can't blame myself.. accidents happen.. but in some way I do.. I killed him... and even though he'll forgive me (the vet swears he never knew what had happened) and you'll all forgive me, I'm not sure I can forgive myself.
I can't think of much else to say but this..
Rest in Peace, Hot Stuff... you weren't here very long, but you brought alot of joy into our lives and we loved you. Thank you for that.
*snugs*
http://www.petloss.com/poems/maingrp/rainbowb.htm
Re: *snugs*
I'm not sure I believe in it, but only because I believe in reincarnation.
By now, he may be a whole new kitten or... something else.
Re: *snugs*
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It still haunts me, I'm sure it always will, in a way, but I've had the time to reflect on all we did for him when he was still around, and in just recently losing another baby pet, have come to my own terms with life and loss.
I'll spare you the details, but a few months ago one of my baby rats had a sudden resperitory attack and died in the car as she was being rushed down to my vet clinic by my fiancee, he had to witness her suffering and I was the one who pronounced her dead, he and I had to spend a while in a room alone with her, and even though we didn't have her for very long, she still found a small place in my heart, and so we mourned her just the same, I even made http://www.dragonneo.com/greinne/TN/byechi.jpg for her, just to always remember.
When I lost Ashes (my kitten who died like yours), I didn't know what to do. My other kitty Spirit who had just finally accepted him wandered around looking for him, she didn't know what to do either, we could only sit together and miss our baby. Unfortunately, my boyfriend at the time was less than compassionate and blamed the kitten for his own demise, not the fact that he had been irresponsible and left the door open so said kitten could wander the house, you remember Vessper, and you remember how awful he was.
But in time, as it always does, life went on. We ended up going to the animal shelter and rescuing an older kitty who had 13 front toes and probably wouldn't have been adopted, and so Eclipse came home to Spirit, and the two became fast friends. Ashes' short life on earth and sudden demise was a tragedy, yes, but he allowed the room and the circumstances for Eclipse to be saved, and in doing such, he enriched our lives even through death.
And a lesson was learned too, of course the obvious "watch your feet", but moreso, a deeper lesson, one I believe Ashes was brought to me to do - that all life, no matter how short, or fuzzy, or cute, or seemingly small, can touch all of the life around it in the most beautiful way.
Chi-Chian, my baby rat, did the same. She and Solistice were little pals, and when we lost Chi, Sol just wandered around her cage all lonely. We've since integrated our little Sol in with our big girls, and she and Pixie are two round peas in a pod, and I don't know if that bond would have been made, had tinyChi been around still.
I deal with dying pets every day at work, at first it was hard, and yes, you do kind of get calloused to having to restrain pets for euthanasia, and it doesn't bother me any more to "tag n' bag", but the one thing I'll never get used to is the owners crying. Their pain, and more importantly, your pain, is my pain. My heart aches for what you're feeling now, even though we don't know each other as individuals, I can at least know you as another life.
(And some more)
Right now your heart hurts, your mind is spinning, you probably feel sick to your stomach with guilt and grief, all you can think about is "what if..." and "why did he..." and "why didn't I...". I know those words, I've spun them around in my own mind, but I find comfort in the fact that for the short time these animals are in our lives, we enjoy every moment with them. No, we might not enjoy the less glamourous parts of pet ownership, like the litterbox or even feeding time, but still then, it lifts our souls to have these wonderful little creatures just being generous enough to share their spirits and their time with us.
I know that when Rahmal and I lose Siouxsie and Bauhaus, we're going to celebrate their short little two year lifespans and send them out with a viking funeral, we're going to make them little boats and cover them with rosepetals and all of our friends are going to come to say goodbye.
All of life is a celebration, lite, and we should continue celebrating even after it's gone.
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It's all I could think of as we rushed Merlin to the vet was "please please god may I have not done the same thing as maly's ex did. Please please god may he live! May it just be a broken leg or something else!"
Unfortunately, I knew once I stepped on him and pulled him from under the bed and saw how strange he was acting that it was not to be and I HAD killed him.
I could deal with the fact of him dying if it were "his time". Euthanasia doesn't bother me as such (only because the only experience I've had with it was to stop my poor 14 year old collie from suffering. He had fractured his hip bone and he couldn't walk anymore and he was pathetic and in pain and we all knew it. So we did what we knew was the right thing.. we put him out of his pain.). But he was a KITTEN! He was only 3 or 4 months old! He never GOT a chance to grow up! That's why I'm so upset!
If he had been 15 or 16 and he'd lived a long and full and happy life, I would be dealing with it probably alot better. But he was 4 months old and though I know his life WAS happy, it was way too short.
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*hug and a cookie*
*snugglies and winces*
Peace be with Merlin, and may he move on to an even happier place in the next life. :)