![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Random Life Mutterings
Aug. 24th, 2004 05:45 pmhave you ever noticed how... no matter what your life situation is, there's always an issue?
Reality's got a way of sort of deflating your balloon somewhat.
I feel like I have no right to complain. I'm not in physical pain or emotional trauma. I'm not barely scraping by week to week, unable to always buy enough food or keep the heat or phone going. I'm not even desperately longing for some sort of soul mate.
Things should be perfect, right? Time for the fairy tale ending? Time for me to get me hard-earned just desserts for years of suffering at the hands of others?
Oddly, it's not like that.
But really, I have no right to complain. It's not perfect, but I'm, more or less, where I wanted/needed to be at this stage of my life. I'm, for all intensive purposes, in the real world, making the kind of money I need to not worry about feeding myself from week to week or eating $1/box TV dinners for dinner cause it's all I can afford.
There's alot I don't talk about, though. The continual exhaustion because I go to bed later than I should (I probably need to be going to bed at 9:30, but since I'm coming home at 7:00, that's almost always too early) and waking up at least once during the night and then again at 5:30 when Kristen's alarm goes off.
My cat, Smokey, is getting fat. For a while, she was eating well and I felt like I could trust her in the house for a day with that day's worth of food, but... she's back to overeating. I can't put her and her alone on a diet. So the new routine is to lock Smokey up in the bedroom for half an hour to fourty five minutes with a bowl of food and leave two bowls of food out in the living room, hope they eat, and then lift eveything but about half a bowl once I've let Smokey out. I do this and Smokey howls and cries pathetically. At least Gershwin took to it. He realized he'd be fed in Josh's room and RAN upstairs to be fed, but Smokey hates it. I don't know if she hates being left along or if it's just that she hates being seperated from me that badly. The seperation anxiety she has, though, is a real problem and I don't know how to solve it or even if I can.
I miss all of you badly. I'm running around so much I hardly have time to put on AIM and not always time to read everyone's LJ. (especially around weekend). I miss many of you very much and just don't have the time to keep up and I feel guilty that I can't make that time and, sometimes, when I have it, I spend it on other things like Farscape or Zooty Coon.
Most of you are having a hard time right now... you know who you are.. and I want to be there for you all and I know I'm not. I've become a distant voice with no real presence, per se. I type in my LJ, I take place in the music exchange, but other that that.. I'm losing touch with everyone besides Kristen that I care about.. and I really hate that. But see above my problems with finding the time.. or interest.. to be around on line to be with y'all.
Kristen and I... are doing OK.. but I think we'll be better once Kristen moves out. We're doing better than we were a month ago and actually spent our 14 month anniversary doing something neat (Baltimore's Inner Harbor), but.. things aren't perfect. I love her dearly, but it can be very stressful at times. Relationships take alot of work, alot of time and can be fairly draining. The big problem is that we've found a communication problem that's just not going away. I forget to ask her things (like how she feels about XXX) and she rarely volunteers. When we argue, this always come up. She'll say I don't ask. I'll mention she didn't mention it. Frustrations rise.
I miss Buffalo.. I don't really miss living at home, but I miss the city, the things to do there, the ability to be close to my family if and when I choose it, the ability to be close to the Brain. I miss Lasertron and Six Flags Darien Lake. I miss my friends Dave and Todd. I feel terrible that I never got off my ass and did a Summer Party (I honestly NEED to fix that next summer. i may have a small apartment, but dammit if I'm not going to try and open it up to my friends next summer for a new Dorkathon type of gettogether.), though part of that is feeling like I'm slipping out of touch with my online friends.
My job... well.. the stars are gone from my eyes, especally as I'm still working 50 hours a week. It's NOT a bad job... but it can be really frustrating some days. Feeling I should be able to do stuff and not being able to, knowing I should have gotten something by now and that people expect I should have and I didn't.
Also, knowing that I still have a sort of personality that doesn't endear me to other people very well and that that will continue to haunt me in terms of how I work in a team or, heaven forbid, if I ever tried to become a team leader or supervisor.
My life doesn't suck... but it could definately be improved.
Maybe I don't have the right to complain. But this is some of my current frustrations anyways. I dunno how fair they are right now.
Reality's got a way of sort of deflating your balloon somewhat.
I feel like I have no right to complain. I'm not in physical pain or emotional trauma. I'm not barely scraping by week to week, unable to always buy enough food or keep the heat or phone going. I'm not even desperately longing for some sort of soul mate.
Things should be perfect, right? Time for the fairy tale ending? Time for me to get me hard-earned just desserts for years of suffering at the hands of others?
Oddly, it's not like that.
But really, I have no right to complain. It's not perfect, but I'm, more or less, where I wanted/needed to be at this stage of my life. I'm, for all intensive purposes, in the real world, making the kind of money I need to not worry about feeding myself from week to week or eating $1/box TV dinners for dinner cause it's all I can afford.
There's alot I don't talk about, though. The continual exhaustion because I go to bed later than I should (I probably need to be going to bed at 9:30, but since I'm coming home at 7:00, that's almost always too early) and waking up at least once during the night and then again at 5:30 when Kristen's alarm goes off.
My cat, Smokey, is getting fat. For a while, she was eating well and I felt like I could trust her in the house for a day with that day's worth of food, but... she's back to overeating. I can't put her and her alone on a diet. So the new routine is to lock Smokey up in the bedroom for half an hour to fourty five minutes with a bowl of food and leave two bowls of food out in the living room, hope they eat, and then lift eveything but about half a bowl once I've let Smokey out. I do this and Smokey howls and cries pathetically. At least Gershwin took to it. He realized he'd be fed in Josh's room and RAN upstairs to be fed, but Smokey hates it. I don't know if she hates being left along or if it's just that she hates being seperated from me that badly. The seperation anxiety she has, though, is a real problem and I don't know how to solve it or even if I can.
I miss all of you badly. I'm running around so much I hardly have time to put on AIM and not always time to read everyone's LJ. (especially around weekend). I miss many of you very much and just don't have the time to keep up and I feel guilty that I can't make that time and, sometimes, when I have it, I spend it on other things like Farscape or Zooty Coon.
Most of you are having a hard time right now... you know who you are.. and I want to be there for you all and I know I'm not. I've become a distant voice with no real presence, per se. I type in my LJ, I take place in the music exchange, but other that that.. I'm losing touch with everyone besides Kristen that I care about.. and I really hate that. But see above my problems with finding the time.. or interest.. to be around on line to be with y'all.
Kristen and I... are doing OK.. but I think we'll be better once Kristen moves out. We're doing better than we were a month ago and actually spent our 14 month anniversary doing something neat (Baltimore's Inner Harbor), but.. things aren't perfect. I love her dearly, but it can be very stressful at times. Relationships take alot of work, alot of time and can be fairly draining. The big problem is that we've found a communication problem that's just not going away. I forget to ask her things (like how she feels about XXX) and she rarely volunteers. When we argue, this always come up. She'll say I don't ask. I'll mention she didn't mention it. Frustrations rise.
I miss Buffalo.. I don't really miss living at home, but I miss the city, the things to do there, the ability to be close to my family if and when I choose it, the ability to be close to the Brain. I miss Lasertron and Six Flags Darien Lake. I miss my friends Dave and Todd. I feel terrible that I never got off my ass and did a Summer Party (I honestly NEED to fix that next summer. i may have a small apartment, but dammit if I'm not going to try and open it up to my friends next summer for a new Dorkathon type of gettogether.), though part of that is feeling like I'm slipping out of touch with my online friends.
My job... well.. the stars are gone from my eyes, especally as I'm still working 50 hours a week. It's NOT a bad job... but it can be really frustrating some days. Feeling I should be able to do stuff and not being able to, knowing I should have gotten something by now and that people expect I should have and I didn't.
Also, knowing that I still have a sort of personality that doesn't endear me to other people very well and that that will continue to haunt me in terms of how I work in a team or, heaven forbid, if I ever tried to become a team leader or supervisor.
My life doesn't suck... but it could definately be improved.
Maybe I don't have the right to complain. But this is some of my current frustrations anyways. I dunno how fair they are right now.
