The color of infinity inside an empty glass

Two posts in one! Wooo!

Reflective Post: 

I found myself poking through my old dw entries this Monday while I was waiting for someone to rerun HEC-GeoRAS (It's a work thing) and, long story short, ended up stumbling upon the ChaoticMUX website (which I assumed would be down, but apparently it isn't.)

I instantly felt that usual sense of nostalgia, about a place and time in my past where despite a number of crappy things going on (many of them mentally), I had a small place on the internet that felt like home, more like home than my actual home. 

I think remembering those times, those important times in my past just sends me into reflection mode. I sit here thinking about how much I've changed (I have. If nothing else, I've been able to clear my headpsace and get my life together. And I've mellowed. Manic silliness is not my first gear when I hop on the internet.) and how much the people I know have changed.

If I regret any single thing, it's losing touch with many of the people I was friendly with back then, or pissing them off enough they have nothing more to say to me. 

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Excited Gaming Post:

I've been looking around to see if there was a game, preferably a small, indie game (I get more bang for my buck. I can still get a great game, but half or a third of the cost) I was interested in for my birthday. I think I've settled on preordering Torchlight 2. i have the first one, and enjoy it, but the second one LOOKS even better, like they were taking notes when Diablo 3 news came out and decided to try to come up with something to match.

Torchlight is a dungeon hack and slash. Literally, you go deeper and deeper into a dungeon underneath the city of Torchlight and find bigger and badder and nastier badies to beat. The game features some of the original staff of Diablo 2 and you can tell.  The game very much has a Diablo 2 feel to it.

Torchlight 2 is coming out.. soon. "Summer of 2012" says the website, though I'd assume if that's true, the game has to be going gold soon. So we'll see. It looks like more of the same, but with improvements. First of all, Multiplayer, which might be good. Second of all, the game is bigger, which is definitely good. And thirdly, the side dungeons are actually off the main areas and not some silly "Click the Mysterious Map Piece and see where you go" tricks they used in the original.

And I happen to love hack and slash. If Blizzard didn't keep fiddling with Diablo 3, I'd likely still be playing that. But they keep making changes and I feel like.. the game WAS amazing when it was released, but then they kept making changes and now it isn't, really. The game is worse than it was at release and since release was.. three months ago? I'm so unimpressed I can't bother to play. 

Anyways, I've been watching the Yogscast boys playing the Beta of Torchlight 2 on Youtube and watching them, my thoughts are: GIMME GIMME GIMME! :D

It's god-awful in the morning and I'm tossing and turning, my mind full of thought

So, I thought I'd try to put some of those thoughts down in writing and maybe get some sleep.

The ChaoticMUX party was, I'd say, everything I'd hoped it would be. I can honestly say that if Jen and Robby had taken the game down for good tonight, I'd be really really sad, but it would have been totally worth it and, I think, the game would have wanted to go that way.
We talked, we played games, mainly we talked.

Hi, how are you, what are you doing now, can we still be friends?

That was the feeling I got most of all from the day, the realization that I really have no idea who most of the people on the other side of the keyboard are anymore. So much has CHANGED.

These people, most of them were my friends once, friends I cherished and love and got to know. You really get to know people over a bit of silliness and a few games because it was never just that. On talkers, people TALK.. about where they are, what they're doing, what's important to them. About life, love, and, occasionally, 42.

I know, for me, I came in with the attempt to try to mend a few fences as well. There were a few people I was good friends with, once upon a time, that I just drifted away from and I knew I missed them. It was good to reconnect again, at least a little.

What I guess is clear to me is.. I have no idea how I did that, how I kept up. Especially over multiple MUSHes. I remember there were days I was doing up to 3 MUSHes. How? I could barely keep up with one! Though to be fair, yesterday felt almost intense.. probably it was. The intensity of knowing that tomorrow, this place wasn't going to be here.

Farewell, old friend. Til next time.

Today... I try to get back to normal. Shop for food, cook, maybe even get into the gym, finish laundry.. and more sleep would be nice.
And then tomorrow... I go back to my social place of choice, where I can still be funny and silly and have fun with people I enjoy spending time with. And maybe see if work will let me download a reader on my computer so I can maybe actually keep up with LJ and the friends that are still very important to me, 12 or so years later. :)

One day... not too far from now. We need another Dorkathon. That would be nice. :)

The previous entry under this tag: ChaoticMUX Pie

Adelphia's been really shitty again lately. Couldn't get to my email for the longest time yesterday. Now it's 2:15 PM on a Friday afternoon and I'm still not getting anything. Not email, not a line out to Chaotic, not even LJ.
And I despise being on hold.
Well, now I have email, but no LJ and no Chaotic.
Grrr...
Anyways, this wasn't going to be the focus of my post.

For those of you curious, I just got back from Fiddler. The dinner was.. lacking somewhat. The place was too fancy.. they had expensive food, but it wasn't particularly filling. It wasn't ENOUGH for the LITE-Belly.
The show was good though. Unfortunately, the seats left something to be desired. We were in the lower balcony and we had NO leg room! UGH!
But it was a good show. :)

( And now... Purple Toupee will show the way (when winter gets you down?)... )

The little one is getting used to life in his new home (and the other cats are getting used to life with a new kitten.) He's such a cutie :) Wish we knew why he was still sneezy, though... is it a draft? allergies? hmm.. if it doesn't go away soon, we may have to call a vet and ask. Whatever it is, despite Josh's fears, he doesn't seem to be giving it to the other cats *knock on wood*

I saw the Royal Tannenbaums yesterday. It was... OK. I thought it would be alot cuter.. alot funnier. I can't imagine why Jeff Simon named it one of the best movies of 2001. It... isn't. It's a cute story of a very screwed up family and that's about it.

I'm really grumpy.. grumpy at so called friends. This happens every once in a while when an event happens that's important enough to me that it makes me have to question who really cares about me and who is, I guess you could say relegated to the list of people I'm friendly with, but not friends of.
*moves people around*

In good news, I hope to be meeting trillain again soon.. for lunch somewhere. Just to talk and see each other. We've only met once before last summer at the Galleria Mall, which was cool except for the two hours wandering around the mall, bit :)
In bad news, I don't believe I shall ever be meeting kolys, tallin. They're obviously very busy individuals with so very little time to meet myself. It doesn't matter.

I've been having alot of thoughts about friends lately.. friends gone, friends soon to be gone (caught up with their own lives), friends dating friends.
That's the really sucky part of the internet. I have friends all over the US (and bits of Canada) and I can't meet most of them when I need to chat or hang.
I can't complain that they've all become so busy with their own lives.. I have too.... I'm rarely seen on Chaotic anymore. A ghost of sorts, spotted at odd hours when I have nothing left to do and am bored.
It's sad to say Chaotic means so little to me that I only appear when bored.. but can you blame me? The place is dead until afternoon or night and when it's alive, I just don't care to talk to anyone anymore except for a very few people.
I've formed my own clique.
How gauche.
That matter so little anymore anyways. Most of y'all don't care one way or the other.. and those that do.. well, most of you are on my list of people I visit to talk to anyways.

I'm lonely. One of the many people floating through life looking for someone interested and compatible with me. I know they're out there, but I haven't seen them for who they are. I'm not sure I have the time for them, despite how desperately I'd like their company.

*sigh*

Whatever. I'll post this ramble.

I do have other things to discuss.

Yay! Another project done! One less things to deal with! Yay!
I should be ashamed of myself. In those last hours of working on the project, I ceased caring. It's not quite right? Fuck it, it's just a homework,.
I should be ashamed. But I'm past caring at the moment.

That leaves... one final, one final presentation, one project, one writeup and a partridge in a pear tree.
Well.. maybe not the partridge.
Much the pity. It would amuse my kitties so!
Speaking of my kitties. Go Check Out My Webpage again! I added a new section on my little monsters, including an ode to Hot Stuff :)

What else? Weight loss is back down.. 261 for two days straight. I need to be able to get back to the gym. I've been too busy today and too sick yesterday :P

Can't think of anything else.. except for the bulk of the post.
While I have some time, I need to talk about this whole thing. It's weighing very heavily on my mind.
Unlike other parties, unless yelled at, I intend to mention all parties involved in this. My opinions, as per usual, are not censored nor particularly politically correct.
( Read At Your Own Risk )

Lots of fun things to talk about.

Do you know what I hate more than changing my schedule around to be at a meeting? Getting stood up for the meeting. My practicum group was SUPPOSED to meet at 4:00 in Jarvis 120 today.
I was there.
No one else was.
Including, I think, the person we had to meet.
Bah.
So I hung around on campus for near two hours longer than I would have needed to otherwise.
Bah, I say.

Plus, we're supposed to meet at 8:00 AM tommorow (of course, my hope is... since I don't think anyone met with Todd, we CAN'T put the filter together until we do and, hence, no 8:00 meeting. That' my hope in any case) and then I have another meeting at 12:00 for a groundwater project.
Whee meetings.

And I need to do math homework again this weekend. Yes, the same math homework that nearly killed me two weekends ago.
13 problems this time (instead of 12). But I have a PLAN!
It's due Wednesday.. so.. if I start it today, I only need to do 3 problems a day and it'll be done by Tuesday night.
Plus, I may have a little extra time this weekend to do more than 3 problems. The point is, it doesn't need to ALL be done by Saturday.
Yay plan! ^.^

Today is Nicole radio day! Yay! trying to decide already what I shall request.
I'm thinking of requesting one of my own.
I'm THINKING of requesting Illudium (Full name: Illudium Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator.
The Illegal (cause I don't have the rights to the wav samples of marvin the martian I used) vocal version.

I'm on a weight plateau again. Worse than that, it seems like I'm GAINING weight.
Though, this catches me as odd.
This morning I weighed myself and realized.. I had to take a pee. So i did.
I went back to weighing myself (i triple check. I'm a freak like that.) and I weighed 0.5 lbs. MORE than before the pee.
Can someone explain that to me?
Anyways, due to the plateay, I fear this means I shan't weigh 250 by new years day. So I am henceforth changing my goal.
I want to weigh 255 instead.
Now if I could go back to losing weight.

I had a Fluids test today. The third. I either did VERY well or I was so off base it isn't even funny. I'm not actually sure yet. I guess I'll find out when I get my test grade, eh?
Here's hoping, right?

What else?
I think the psychological effects of the happy light have worn off. Hopefully the very really physiological effects are just getting ready to take place, though.
Yay Happy Light!

Note: When I tried posting this the FIRST time, it wasn't yay this and yay that.. I was pure bitchy. Now I'm home and I'm yay this and yay that.
What does that say to YOU?
Hmmm..

OK, so I'm saving the best (or, actually, worst) for last.
I want to talk about Stebe.
I'm not gonna be happy with just dropping it. I just... I can't do that. When i'm angry, I need to let people know.
I'm screwed up like that.
So... I want to give an account of my side of this argument. For myself if no one else cares.
The whole thing started Tuesday. I posted I was grumpy at certain people on ChaoticMUX. Stebe was one of them.
In.. a conversation I don't even fully recall, he said eris@discordia was a "hoar" (I don't remember the conversation, but I do distinctly remember the misspelling.) I happen to disagree.. I have a bad relationship with much of discordia, but eris was OK.
So I was unhappy about that.
The REAL start of the argument was Wednesday, though. After a good night sleep, I was less grumpy and feeling apologetic towards people who had annoyed me Tuesday. I don't remember WHAT Stebe said that pissed me off (it wasn't the orange thing), but the WAY he said it reallly ticked me off. He sounded nasty and .. arse'ish
So I told him he was an arse.
And I /gagged him.
In retrospect, I should have just /gagged him quietly and gone on with the rest of my day, but... hindsight is 20/20, right?
Stebe took great offense to this. And he got mad. And posted a +bbpost suggesting I take a vacation from Chaotic because, to the best of his knowledge, 2 people (ara and scoob) had left because of me.
I'm still a little.. sensitive, bewildered, upset, angry.. over ara and scoob leaving. I can't say as I still really understand what happened. All of a sudden, i was sexist and racist and beyond contempt. I'd been friends with ara for near 9 years. scoob for a little less. And suddenly, I wasn't even worth talking to anymore.
So.. it's a sensitive spot for me.
A sensitive spot, Stebe has harped on again and again and again.
Between the two, I got VERY pissed at him.
Hence, when yesterday rolled around and I'd been under the happy light and felt better, I thought about it and I *STILL* think Stebe is being an immature ass.
So, Stebe read that in my lj. And then quoted that portion of my journal so everyone could read it and decide I was an ass.
kalidor responded thusly, and I think it sums up my own feelings.
Begin Quote:

Lessee, you are dragging it out, trying to make a public spectacle, (of course... the spectacle seems to end up being you) and .. well ... only you seem to care? Yes ... I think the evaluation of your personality .. is .. uhm .. well correct. Perhaps you should do whut others like you have done in the past. Make a personal bulletin board that only your friends are allowed to read, so as not to pester the rest of us. Of course, the people with those boards .. mostly decided to leave anyhow... but .. more is the better.

End Quote:
Then, as I hear tell (and I have no proof of this), Stebe contacted lj_abuse and complained about my post.
So... let's review. I /gagged him and made a couple of rude comments.
He posted not one, but two +bbposts and complained, i think, to lj_abuse.
So.. like.. WHO is being the immature asshole here?
So today comes around and this is really pissing me off. I'd LIKE to take him somewhere private and just thwap him around.
Not that I would.. I'd just LIKE to.
So today comes around and I'm pissed at him and I make a couple more comments.
And he responds by mailing the ChaoticMUX adminning and complaining about me.
Now, I admit some fault.
1) I should never have told him I was /gagging him.
2) I shouldn't have made the comments
However, I'm not the one totally twinking out.
(personally, I'm curious to see how he responds to this post. Not that i'm worried, I'm just curious.)
So, like... I've promised I'll stop making any comments to Stebe on Chaotic. He can just sit in my gag until he apologizes for the way he's acted and is acting.
But.. here.. here I won't bother to censor myself. After all, if you don't like what you read, why read it? It's still my personal (if live for the world to read) journal.

That's all I have to say about that. Well.. for now. Maybe more later as more on the Stebe argument.. happens.

In closing, let me offer CONGRATS TO thepoet_khayman on his baby, Lazarus Kaine Matthew!!

Another random entry coming. Consider yourself warned.

Let's start with today's Subject. I was at the mall yesterday.. didn't buy a whole lot. Put money down on The Sims: Hot Date which SHOULD BE OUT IN LESS THAN A WEEK :D :D :D and bought a new Terry Pratchett Book "The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents" which is Terry Pratchett's take on the Pied Piper story.. in Discworld! It should be amusing and fun! :D

On the subject of new things, my Brown Derbies CD "Jericho" FINALLY got here (I only ordered it in AUGUST) but it's here and it's cool and the new one out next year sometime should be even cooler cause they are covering my all time favoritest song ("Birdhouse In Your Soul" for those of y'all who don't know the LITEster well enough). So.. major :D :D :D :D!!

What else? Oh! Welcome our newest livejournaler, nissacrosseyed whom I personally gave a code to so she could get a livejournal. I think I'm going to steal something from her and start having today's Quote of the Day. I'll try to keep the quote of the day topical depending on what amuses me or what's on my mind.

So.. I had an odd idea today I'm kick around. An idea for a story I'd like to try to write. The working title of this story is "The REAL story behind the music." The idea? A story written completely in the TMBG Universe. It would star some mad scientist (working Name... Mr. Klaw) who has succesfully been able to test his new invention. A tuning fork that plays a tone that basically acts as a sonic lobotomy. Once you hear the tuning fork, you do more or less whatever Mr. Klaw says to do.
And of course like every mad scientist.. he intends to take over the world. And so he hatches the plan to use these tuning forks in New York City (nor like ours.. bigger, more futuristic. nearly every building is a skyscraper etc.) by adding them to the bells in the new big church they're building.
I haven't worked out who the good guys will be except for an international spy (who was a Hotel Detective, but now she's better connected).
Oh.. and in the middle of all this.. Aliens from Venus land and a cult leader (working name: Spider..) take power.
And all in all it should be a fun romp through a vaguely science-fiction and maybe slightly fantasy world.
Like I said, it's just an idea I'm kicking around.

So Kareila got onto ChaoticMUX yesterday. Apparently she wondered why 6 people had left Chaotic in 1 week. Those six people... Deve, fil, Dustkitten, arabella, scoob and Circa, all wanted off for more or less different reasons. Deve didn't feel right there anymore because he couldn't thrive there and still be himself (no one wanted to hear his Anti-America attitude), fil left over an argument with Aldar (well... last straw apparently) and was the gentleman I posted of a while back who said "You're no more civilized than my dog's left testicle". Dustkitten.. I told you about. And the other three left because of me and my posts two days hence.
So Kareila checks out the livejournal post and I'm sitting here going "Will KAR think it's Sexist/Racist etc?" Kareila is the most open-minded easy going person I know.. if she felt it was sexist or racist.. it probably was.
Anyways her comments were "I'm not sure that ultra-feminism has anything to do with the rise of violence agaisnt women." and that the whole thing had been blown completely out of proportion and SHE still likes me.
To me this was basically like "Alright.. despite what ara and scoob say, I'm NOT suddenly an asshole!" so I feel slightly better now that I've passed the Kar test.

That's all I can think of posting. So I'll end with Today's quote of the day.

***
Today's Quote of the Day.
"A wise man is superior to any insults which can be put upon him, and the best reply to unseemly behavior is patience and moderation." - Moliere

I've thought long and hard about my post.
Truth be told, i am more than a little upset that scoob and ara don't come to Chaotic anymore.. for.. whatever the reason.
I miss those I consider my best friends alot. And I'm horribly upset that they don't come to Chaotic, for whatever the reason.
Leaving Chaotic would only compound the issue, though. I'd be doing exactly that which i am upset about. And so I shan't do that.
I *DO* need to get in the habit, though, that instead of idling on ChaoticMUX bored, I should do something else.. play a video game or work on Chaotica or SOMETHING.
So.. that's the plan.
I shan't leave Chaotic because I still have too many friends there..
and I'll work on keeping myself busy when no one is on and etc.
Plans are good.

I can't get onto #tmbg *whine*
I can't get Visual Pest (a program I need for my graduate research) to install either, since I don't, apparently, have the Serial # I need =P
*gripe*
In other news, my ChaoticMUX meeting went will. Almost all the current staff showed up, which is good. We've got some plans to start a new Chaotic =D =D =D and to deal with current Chaotic until then. Plus, if a certain twinky neonazi starts his sh*t again on Chaotic, we can start punishing his sorry arse.
So, as Trillain said.. she scared me yesterday by appearing at the Galleria Mall at the same time my mom and i were there. My mom was looking for new clothes and I'd just gotten into trouble by getting the Startopia Strategy. And she was like "Hi" and I turned around and there she was.
It occurs to me we've probably seen each other there alot before but never knew what we looked like so didn't say hi...heh.
That's it, short journal today. More to come if there's more to say.

I know. I know. I haven't written in three days. There has actually been very little to write about. I come home from work, help clean the basement (Do most of the schleping since my brother Josh is being lazy and my mom, due to breathing problems, dun schlep.). We've gotten rid of ALOT of stuff.. the basement looks a whole lot more clean. That, in itself, is very nice.. the part where I think I'm going to end up schleping most of it to the CURB today, on the other hand, is not nice.
In other news, Kareila has suggested it is officially time to get moving on the new Chaotic as there are a growing number of problems with the old one (the newest being a growing corruption in which we'll lose attributes. Since we're such a big place we're probably not noticing it much.. hopefully it doesn't get suddenly much worse, though.)
I'm very excited about the prespect of starting a new Chaotic and think, frankly, it's about damned time. (Kar and I have had... arguments.. because she's still looking for the perfect online communitee which, in my not so humble opinion, simply doesn't exist. I'm willing to take a new system that works better (not pefectly, just better) than what we currently have. And if we can improve on THAT some more, so much the better. Regardless, you ChaoticMUXers out there are in for some definite surprises with some of the ideas we've got for a new better ChaoticMUX. :) )
That's all I can think of worth saying. I SAID it was a quiet three days! It's not MY fault if u didn't believe me!