The color of infinity inside an empty glass

Yes, I've been happily tagging, when I can, today.
I've done a couple the last couple months, a couple at the beginning of this year and, just for the hell of it, a couple around the time I started this journal...

Ye gods, has my journal changed alot in four years...

Back in 2001, I didn't write much about myself, certainly not the long rambling posts y'all have come to expect.
I wrote about my friends, random events in my life, random bits of work and such.

My first month, I talked a little bit about the work I was doing with Dr. Rabideau, a little about events going on at ChaoticMUX, a little about friends I talked with (It's WEIRD going back and seeing arabella's name in my journal..)
I was very nosy :)
And alot more flighty, in terms of my writing.

Also, four years ago, my subjects were much more entertaining...
I may try to make a conscious effort to make my subjects more entertaining again...

I won't get into all the other differences between me now and me four years ago...

...

When I (eventually) finish up, I'll probably post links to some of the bigger tags, for myself and/or anyone else who cares.

I use my journal as my ranting post. If I'm mad at my parents, I rant. If I'm mad at my girlfriend, I rant. If I'm mad at the world, I rant and then rant a little more.
I almost never have anything positive to say. If something good's happening, I don't bother to post, I just enjoy it as much as I can.
Because tommorow something shitty will happen, I'm sure.
I'm a pessimist, folks. This is how I think :p

ANYWAYS.. as you know.. Kristen and I just had another big, ugly fight. One that forced the two of us to decide if our relationship with each other was really worth all of this anymore.
The last big fight, when Kristen became suddenly extremely depressed, I ended up confused, upset and talking to people online. I won't name names. We talked. She suggested I reconsider whether or not the relationship was worth all the agitation. At the same time, I talked to my mother. My mother loves me and I would DEFINATELY call her overprotective. I'm her eldest and, possibly, her favorite (we always had a special relationship she doesn't have with any of my other brothers). She told me to take time off from Kristen and try being alone for a while. Then she put her foot in her mouth and, at Marc's request, suggested I try jdate.com, a jewish dating site.

At the time, I was upset. I didn't want to break up with Kristen. I didn't think I needed time. All I wanted was for the fights to stop. I loved her.

I was telling this to Dr. Lockwood a week or so after and her suggestion was.. not to involve my mother in the day to day fights. All my mother heard was the negative, never the positive. It didn't really sink in then.

Fast forward to this fight and everyone's upset and the advice to take a break is looking awfully good. A quick scan of my entries from the past six month show a pattern.. for every step forward, we would take a major step back. If there were moments of happiness, they were brief and fleeting. Again, i rarely talked about the positive, only vented my frustrations at the negative.

When the next fight came along, we both looked for sympathy and advice. The advice was pretty mixed, but both of us heard someone tell us we should dump each other, that nothing was worth this.

I can't be angry at the people who said this. I don't know what everyone ecwoodburn talked to had to say, but everyone who really knew both Kristen and I never ever suggested anything bigger than a break. Some of my friends, who don't know Kristen and don't know how happy we can be together, suggested I dump her. Some of her friends, who don't know me, suggested she dump me.
I can't be angry because most of what you've seen is negtative, negative, negative.
What else are you supposed to think?

It just struck me.
So... for the next 12 weeks, at least, this is LITE's journal of positivity. I will not use this journal to vent anger or frustration at Kristen in such a way so that everyone in the world can see. It reinforces the negativity inside me. It reinforces the negativity you may see. And, all in all, it's just not very helpful to anyone.
And there's a lesson learned the hard way in here. I hope it's been made clear. It's clear to me, at least.

So.. nuff said. Postity time.

So... only slightly more than a day since I started publicly talking about the whole Schiavo case and I already have to change my position!

( Babbling... )

It's interesting. There's been a lot of hub bub about the fact that many countries across the world are contributing to the effort to help out in Southeast Asia, including the U.S.A. What makes this interesting is that there's a great deal of criticism that the U.S., the richest nation in the world (?), is not giving as much as they could.

My first response is "Of course not. We can't even afford to put proper armor on our soldiers."

Until it struck me.
Maybe the U.S. isn't half as rich as we'd all like to think.

No, seriously. I know it goes against common sense and what you read about, but what if the U.S. is hurting and trying not to show it.
We went to war, but we can't afford to give our soldiers good armor, good health care etc.
It doesn't seem to be going towards making sure the intelligence we're gathering overseas is better.
Most of our education reforms are badly underfunded. Hell, most of our schools are badly underfunded.
Even George Bush has said that Social Security is in trouble.
We are running the biggest national debt we've ever run. Ever.

So.. seriously.. here's the question. Where's the money? What's the money drain?
Sure, it could be the tax breaks. We're definately losing money there.
It could be the war. I understand very little about where money going towards "The war effort" really goes. It's obviously NOT to the common soldier.

Where *IS* the money?

I have no idea what the answer is. I'd definately like to know the answer, though.

Adelphia's been really shitty again lately. Couldn't get to my email for the longest time yesterday. Now it's 2:15 PM on a Friday afternoon and I'm still not getting anything. Not email, not a line out to Chaotic, not even LJ.
And I despise being on hold.
Well, now I have email, but no LJ and no Chaotic.
Grrr...
Anyways, this wasn't going to be the focus of my post.

For those of you curious, I just got back from Fiddler. The dinner was.. lacking somewhat. The place was too fancy.. they had expensive food, but it wasn't particularly filling. It wasn't ENOUGH for the LITE-Belly.
The show was good though. Unfortunately, the seats left something to be desired. We were in the lower balcony and we had NO leg room! UGH!
But it was a good show. :)

( And now... Purple Toupee will show the way (when winter gets you down?)... )

I'm going to bust it Socratic style.
Word to your (Great)^200 Grandmother.
With all due haste

( Busting it Socratic Style )

Ah, Thanksigiving. The season for family, homemade dinners and thanks-giving.

What are you thankful for?
I'm thankful for many things.

• I'm thankful I actually got the chance to start graduate school and the fiscal resources to pay for it (no matter how much I bitch about being a TA, I have to look on that bright side. It also pays my tuition.)
  
• I'm thankful for a healthy family and four healthy cats. And, at the same time
  
• I am thankful for the time I DID spend with little Merlin
  
• I am thankful for all the friends who've stuck with me through the thick and the thin, the good and the bad.
  
• I am thankful to ChaoticMUX for simply continuing to exist. Alot of people may think it's dead or dying, but you know what? It doesn't matter. What matters is that I know that when I need friends to be with (whether in a good mood or bad), that they all congregate there.
  
• I am thankful I finally "saw the LITE" and started working on my weight, and that I've done so well so far.
  

OK, enough with the soppiness.

So I did get paid yesterday. Given that I had the majority of the day off, I went off and did a bunch of errands. Gassed up the car, got some salad, got some shoes, some of my flavored water, an ice scraper, picked up some certified mail, bought the Jim Carrey "Grinch" DVD for myself and rented " Planet of the Apes" for mom, and bought a game "The Incredible Machine: Even More Contraptions". I also got a free sweatshirt as I'm a UBEESC officer (the sweatshirt is from one of the parent associations: the Air and Waste Management Association.) and it looks quite nice :) Got the theory behind my final project for groundwater all figured out too (I think), so.. as you can tell, it was a busy day.

I doubt today will be half as busy. We're probably going to watch "Planet of the Apes" and I'll do laundry either today or tommorow.. otherwise i'll probably play The Incredible Machine.. or maybe Zoo Tycoon.. or maybe The Sims.
I LOVE Choices :D

There are two negative aspects to the day: #1: The Gym is closed for today and tommorow. This bothers me alot. As most of you know, the gym is my big secret to weight loss. As long as I work out (alot) in it, I feel like I'm at LEAST doing the things I need to do to lose weight. Also.. with the fact that i JUST stopped plateauing, I don't REAL:LY want to go back.
Of course, what happens happens.. I don't intend to curtail my eating habits. I LOVE Thanksgiving dinner. So.. whatever. Hopefully I don't gain weight. If I do, hopefully (most likely) it isn't much and I can lose it more or less just as easily.

#2: The Family Dinner. I DO love Thanksgiving Dinner... I love Turkey and Mashed Potato and Sweet Potato Pie and all of it. But today dinner will be strained. Why, you ask? Surely you aren't so obsessive you'll let your diet get in the way?? No. It's not that. It's my brother Marc. As a quick reminder for those of you who don't know the entire backstory.. Marc is the black sheep of the family. His adventures in the world (if anyone know what they all were and not the bits and pieces we get from phone calls and letters) would make a hell of a movie. Drugs, Gangs, Sex, Possible Fatherhood, being almost injured by a car bomb in Israel, finding religion etc.

My life may seem dull and drab by comparison, but I wouldn't switch lives for the world. I AM intelligent enough to stay away from drugs and gangs. I doubt I'd EVER go to Israel (if I had money to visit something, it'd be Great Britain and Ireland) and as for religion.. well... I'm pagan, but I don't go around wearing a pentacle, a ceremonial robe and having private pagan ceremonies before dinner. I have no trouble with the fact he's gone ultra-conservative Jewish EXCEPT for the fact that you can't be a good jew and break the 10 commandments the way he does continuously. If he became a good person who could even think about other people not himself and remained ultra-conservative.. more power to him. Until then... it's just a big joke.

And then Friday, we get to see the dear brother for a "Family portrait" my father wants us all to pose for. Here i'll be, in contacts, nice haircut, just lost 30 lbs.. I'll look pretty good. Marc will probably pose with his full length scraggly looking beard and his gang sign.. er.. I mean Jewish Star in front of his shirt.

Did you know in Buffalo the gang sign of one of the major gangs, the crips, is a Jewish Star? They have some reason for it... whatever.

Oh, and then after the pictures, we can all have lunch together and enjoy each other's sparkling company (gag gag gag. Don't like Marc. REALLY don't like my Stepmom. Dad is OK only when Elaine (the Stepmom) isn't on a rampage.)

Another set of thoughts I've been wondering lately... maybe it's the time of year or maybe it's my increased sensitivity to it, but has anyone else noticed that at least 50 or 60% of us want to lose weight?
I can see why the Diet industry is still booming.
And this leads me to another set of thoughts.
Why are we letting ourselves get so fat?
Once we become fat and try to lose weight, why can't we?
And once we LOSE the weight, why can't we keep it off?
I met a girl on Phat Chat last night who said she still needs to lose 250 lbs.
250 lbs!!
How can you DO that to yourself? How can you ALLOW yourself to balloon up that big?
There are plenty of valid and less-valid reasons, of course. Emotional eating is a big problem in a lot of people. People get into funks and start heading for the chocolate, cheesecake and marshmallow pies.
This just created a cycle. Get upset... eat alot of crap. Look in the mirror.. get upset.. eat more crap etc.
I've never really suffered from emotional eating. I did.. do.. eat while bored. I'll be bored and look for things to do.. so I'd grab a handful of chips or whatever.
At the same time, I didn't detest healthy food. I've always loved chicken, rice, vegetables.
250 lbs?? I didn't ask age. I don't think it MATTERS.
And this woman had been dieting on and off for a few years and had yo-yo'd that is.. taken some weight off and put it all back on.
Listen folks, dieting is NOT HARD! It's time-consuming, but not hard! If you think it's hard, you have the ABSOLUTE WRONG ATTITUDE and, chances are, you will fail and end off where you were or worse.
Attitude is everything.
First off... for those of you (and this seems to be ESPECIALLY women) who "need to lose 5 lbs. so I can get back into that swimsuit" or "lose 10 so I can look good for the school reunion." Don't bother, you'll fail. Or if you succeed to take the poundage off, you'll put it right back on again right afterwards, which in my book still means you've failed because you'll have to go back and do it again.
Dieting shouldn't be about vanity.. well, vanity alone in any case.
You can't lose pounds just to look good.
The only way you will succeed is to look towards more loftier goals: total physical fitness and good cardiovascular health.
Did you know your metabolism slows down a bit every year? Hence, if you never change your eating habits in 70 years, you'll still gain some poundage.
There are ways to fix this, of course... exercise. Metabolism is based on many many things... sex, age, background conditions (race, parentage etc.) and lean body weight.. that is.. the weight of your body that ISN'T Fat.
Guess which of those things YOU can fix?
That's right... just pumping iron for half an hour three or four days a week will increase your metabolsim. Muscle definately counts as lean mass. And it is NOT HARD to gain muscle.
And while you're in the gym, working on your muscles.. why don't you consider some cardio? There are so many ways to get your heart pumping...walk, jog, run, swim, bicycle, climb stairs or use the elliptical machine in the gym. Cardio work strengthens your heart, strengthens your lungs and makes you fitter. You'll be able to be one of those people who can walk up a flight of stairs without needing a few minutes to catch your breath. You'll be able to be one of those people on the court playing tennis or raquetball while the unfit people look enviously at you from inside.
You'll feel more alive than you can possibly imagine unless you've been there. Unless you've gone from Immobile to Mobile.
And while you are on the court, exercising, making yourself healthier and stronger and fitter, your body uses up calories and burns off fat.
And if all you're looking for is to lose some fat.. just eat foods with less calories. Put down the cheesecake and pick up some cottage cheese. Put down the ice cream and pick up some iced grapes.
There's no trick here, folks. This is the only way guaranteed to work 100% of the time. Exercise more, eat better.
It will take time and it may be frustrating at times, but you WILL see the difference. The pounds will come off. You'll feel fitter, more alive, more vibrant and the whole time you will be getting healthier and healthier.
Have you ever noticed how fit people get sick less than unfit people? There are reasons. Ever notice how that old man on the courts playing raquetball tends to have less problems with cholesterol levels than the old man on the couch watching TV?

And you need to do this for yourself. Don't do it because you think other people want you to be thin. Don't do this to get even with that boy who said he'd NEVER date a fat girl like you. Do it for yourself.. for your health and for your self.
Otherwise, you still fail. Because you WON'T keep the pounds off.
As Fred over at Phat Man would say... the only secret to success is to live like a fit, healthy person who doesn't have the weight you want to lose. Me? I'm trying to live like a fit, healthy 200 lb. man. To get into the habits I hope to take with me when I finally reach 200: exercise, weight lifting and eating better.
That when when I finally reached 200.. there's no adjustment. I'll already be eating normally.. I'll already be exercising normally (Honestly, I'll probably cut down on the exercise a bit when I finally get to 200... go for half an hour of cardio a day instead of an hour. But.. we'll see. I'm not there yet.) And that is how you succeed... because getting there was pretty easy.. you ate and exercised.. and staying there is just as easy. Maybe easier because you're used to it.

Wow, this post got long.

Well.. I'll mention one more thing and call it quits.
I've given myself a new long term plan. I'm going to try to reach 250 by January 1st of next year. I may be able to reach it. I may not. But that's my new long term goal. I'm not TOO Far away.. only about 17 lbs.. and I have 6 weeks to do it. It'll be close one way or the other.

That's all. Have a good Thanksgiving!

I'm feeling... thoughtful. Not necessarily good or bad, but thoughtful. I just talked to arabella, one of my best friends (since 1993... it's amazing to think we've known each other for 8 years..) about Kareila, another really good friend.
It's just amazing how much we've all changed in 8 years. We've all been in situations where we NEEDED the other two just to keep our sanity.. in the end, despite our personal differences, we seem to just balance each other out in an almost yin-yangish sort of way...
But time has passed... Kareila has become.. grown up. Alot more antisocial. She's still a good person and a good friend but not at all as crazy and amusing as she once was and never seems to spend much time online anymore (due to work and, I think, the fact that she finds more enjoyment in doing nononline things like sewing and watching college football).
arabella has grown up to become a great person (as well as a microbiogeek) in a relationship she seems to simulaneously love and hate and, though I've never seen them together, I'm told those two fit together like two peas in a pod.
And me? Well, I guess I'll leave that for someone else to decide. I know where *I* think I've change, but maybe what I think has changed hasn't.
Time changes the nature of everything.
You can't blame it... by summarizing what I've summed up, I've neglected to mention 8 years of history. Approximately an entire third of each of our lives... PLENTY of things have happened in 8 years, things that have changed us to our very core. We've grown up, found ourselves (or not) in college and strove to become things we did or did not become. We've formed new attachments, affected hundreds of lives (and been affected ourselves by those same hundreds)
I dunno.
I dunno where to go with this post anymore. I guess I'll just end it instead.