The color of infinity inside an empty glass

It's December Days time again. This year, I have decided that I'm going to talk about skills and applications thereof, if for no other reason than because I am prone to both the fixed mindset and the downplaying of any skills that I might have obtained as not "real" skills because they do not fit some form of ideal.

10: Accessibility

As you may have gleaned from this series and many others of the type, I am not what you would call typical. This is in some physical manners, because I am Long Being, but mostly, where this is important is in the mental matters, as while I can do most of the necessary functions of life, there are some things, like time and memory, that don't function in "normal" ways. Variable Attention Stimulus Trait means that there are many things that I will tick as done that are not done, but I will only be reminded of that not-done status when it becomes contextually relevant again. Or I will try to remember a thing, and then it will not trigger again until someone else mentions it or there is some other reason for that piece of memory to fire. And sometimes, when I'm doing something that gives me actual dopamine and the feeling of accomplishment, it's not easy to get me to focus on other things. At least, not until I hit some goal of my own and can switch tasks. Which I may not remember the need to, especially if there's been some sort of progression in the game that is now presenting me with new options to explore.

These kinds of situations can happen even in spots where I am attempting to pay attention. So I devised systems to ensure that I had all the things I needed to do done first before engaging in anything that might produce the flow state. And I still use those systems. Even as I type this, there's the lure of other games and things to solve that I would also like to indulge in, but I am refraining because those things are likely to become time sinks, and I want to enjoyably spend my time, rather than recriminate about how I wasted it doing things I enjoyed and neglecting things that should have had higher priority. With appropriate supports and support from other people, I can function as a human being in a society. Mostly, what that takes the form of is "please write the thing down and give it to me, or send me a reminder e-mail or message that I have agreed to this thing, because once I leave this context, I will not remember it until I am in this context again, or at some other random, unhelpful time." This also means a certain amount of not giving me grief about the messiness of my spaces, because my working memory is often embedded in objects that are present in my workspace. They remind me to do certain things when I spot them. Once they are out of my sight, my brain often marks them as completed, even if they're not. Concentration sometimes means having fidgets available to keep the distractions part working on the fidget so that I can concentrate. Or it means taking notes, because taking notes means processing the thing that is happening. Systems at work, and they are always only as good as fixing the last thing that managed to evade or break the system and become a problem, so that will also mean having to be patient with me while I figure out how to prevent the problem from reoccurring. (The solution might very well be, as I wrote above, "please e-mail me when I agree to do a thing.")

Accessibility and accommodation is important to me, because without it, everyone expects me to behave and think and do things the same way they do, and at least one manager tried to fire me because she didn't understand that the things I was doing. She classified them as rude and personal failings, and didn't particularly like my explanations of "I would rather stand up and stay awake than stay seated and fall asleep" (at the time, the things that were interfering with my ability to have restful sleep were not yet diagnosed, so I was working on systems that worked for me at university without understanding why) or "I am paying attention to the participants in the program as I also try to puzzle out this situation in front of me." (Apparently, trusting children and teenagers to be responsible and at least do some amount of managing themselves is completely wrong.) Or even, "I forgot at that moment that this edge case existed to a regular rule, I'm sorry and I have created a flowchart of how the process works to demonstrate to you that I do understand it and I will try not to forget again." (The person being upset at me trumped any and all apology and demonstration that I could put together that this was an honest mistake.) My continued longevity at my place of work in my profession is mostly due to the fact that this manager retired before she could complete the process of getting me fired, and every subsequent manager I have had was either not in place long enough for issues to arise or actually understands that at least some part of your job as a manager is to help your employees do their best work, and sometimes that will mean having to do things in a particular way.

In many other aspects of my life, I benefit greatly from the curb-cut effect, making traversing physical space easier and having greater understanding of what is going on in media programs by being able to turn on subtitling or captioning and read to ensure that what is being said and done matches with what I'm hearing. (I don't use Descriptive Audio, but I think it's great to have available as well.) I can magnify text and pictures so that it's comfortable to view from several feet away, even if I can read it at the smaller, more original size. I have a fair number of tools developed for accessibility that I take advantage of when I get the opportunity to do so, even if they are things that I do not specifically "need" to function. I have not met people who think that I am either somehow taking advantage of something that doesn't belong to me or that I am somehow less human because I use those tools. Not yet, anyway. Most people who have taken me to task do so on the strength or compatibility with their worldview of my ideas and statements, and not because I use certain tools.

Because of the communities I work with, however, and the repeated parts of the instruction that I do on library resources, I am very sensitive to how accessible software packages are, and how many steps it takes to accomplish things, and where there are pain points, annoyance points, or where I end up saying the same things over and over again because they continue to be obstacles and impediments to a successful process. And while I would like to say that any such things that I discover are taken seriously and fixed by the people who make the software, or who control out environment, the reality is that library software and systems is the kind of place where you can count the number of products that do certain tasks on two hands, with some fingers left over, and you can count the number of companies that own those options on one hand and you might still have a finger or two left over. If competition is supposed to be the biggest driver of innovation and the threat of leaving is supposed to be the thing that gets companies to improve their products when there are complaints, then in library systems and software, we don't have enough options to be able to force either of those desired outcomes. And, as both publishing and library systems and services consolidate, we end up with fewer companies in charge of more things, making it even harder to change in the face of a company sucking. In a world where the government was on the lookout for anti-competitive behavior and starting giving serious side-eyes to conglomerates and making menacing gestures with a sledgehammer in hand, we might have that competition, but regulatory capture is a thing, and it's much easier for those who have money to buy politicians and legislation than those without.

So, with the understanding that DRM is an abomination unto Nuggan, but without it, nobody would license material to libraries to lend (and that all of that is basically controlled by one company, Overdrive, even oif other companies and projects exist to try and break that practical monopoly), allow me to complain about the inaccessibility of things that I encounter in my workplace.

First up, Windows. Obviously, our IT department does not want to give us free reign over our staff machines, nor to give the public the ability to make permanent changes to our computers or run or install malware on them. But it appears that their ability to control whether various items in the Control Panel are present is mostly controlled by the categories those items appear in, and perhaps some fine-grained control past that. Which resulted in me filing a ticket with them because the "Do Not Disturb" mode was kicking on while I was doing other things, and it meant I was missing e-mail and chat notifications because the machine assumed that I didn't want to be disturbed. I couldn't turn off DND, it turns out, because DND had been classified by Microsoft as a "Gaming"-related function, and the policy IT set removed the ability to access the Gaming part of the Control Panel. They were able to fix this. This feels like someone at Microsoft said "only the people playing games will use applications in full-screen or maximized modes, and so they're the only ones who will care about whether notifications will interrupt them or not, so stick the do-not-disturb settings in the gaming area," and nobody with the ability to get things changed pointed out that this was a foolish idea and made unfounded assumptions about the users of their product. (The integration of their LLM into basically all Microsoft apps and Windows itself is similarly a foolish decision based on unfounded assumptions about the users of their products, but at least there someone could argue that some people actually do want to use LLMs.)

Another large Windows Accessibility gripe I had is that the Ease of Access features (Microsoft's name for their accessibility features) are not available by default, so that when someone wants to log in to one of our computers, we do not have the option of showing the on-screen keyboard, or several other accessibility features that would make it possible for the machines to be used independently by people with physical disabilities. I had a person with a caregiver who came into the library, who had a USB-A pluggable control mechanism that allowed them to move a mouse cursor without needing their caregiver to do so. But because our Ease of Access functions aren't available by default, this person could not independently sign into our machine. Once the caregiver had typed in the appropriate numbers on the keyboard, then it was possible for the person to navigate merrily along in what they wanted, and to then access some of the Ease of Access features so they could do things independently. I do not know why all of those features are not available right from the jump. Some of them have become so, because I've seen people using the magnifier at the login screen, and then had to undo that work to make the machine ready for the next person. But still no on-screen keyboard toggle anywhere so that a person who can't use the keyboard can still type. (There's probably some sort of security reason to not do this that I don't know about, and I have questions about why we're using software where the presence of an on-screen keyboard somehow introduces a greater security risk than the attached physical keyboard does.)

After a months-long data breach incident, the details of which have not yet been fully revealed to the public or to the staff, we were staring down the barrel of a fair number of paper library card applications that needed to be put into the ILS, once it had been stood back up and the transactions that had been put into it had been run through. I didn't want to spend my time clicking through all of the form fields, so I tried to tab-navigate them, so that I would use as little motion as possible. Which is where I discovered that the form itself is only completely tab-navigable if there's only one entry in the autofill for a given ZIP code. If there more than one option and I have to select from the modal that pops up, the tab navigation resets to the top of the page, and when I get back to that ZIP code, I can't tab through it, even though I've already entered the information, without popping the modal back up and then getting kicked back to the top of the page. I filed a ticket about this, because surely this is a known problem and someone has already figured out how to move the cursor to the next field after the modal has been dismissed. It hasn't been fixed yet, so I still have to do at least one click to do a library card application. I'd hate to have to deal with that as a screen reader user, or someone who doesn't have the ability to consistently click a mouse to the right place.

Most of my accessibility headaches, however, come from the suite that we use to control user access to the computers and that manage the printing from those user accounts. First and foremost among them is the discovery that while the computer access and printing system has to communicate with our ILS, it doesn't actually generate any kind of account on its own systems until the first time that a card number and PIN are used to sign in to a computer, or to make a reservation for a computer. We had a fair number of people who have had cards for a very long time get stymied the first time they try to use our "print from anywhere" option, because the number is right, the PIN is right, and yet the system told them they were an "inactive user." While the fix is relatively simple (make a reservation for them, then cancel that reservation), how much simpler it would be if, say, every day or so, the computer access and printing system would query our ILS for accounts, and then create access and reservation entries in its own system for any numbers that it didn't already have such accounts for. This would not normally be an issue, but the print system runs on a sixty second timer that resets when you press the touchscreen.

Well, I should say that's the only visible timer that runs on the print release station and system. There are several hidden timers running all throughout the printing retrieval process, starting right with the beginning of it. Since we offer such things as print from home, the prompt at the end of the process that involves the person's device is to enter an e-mail address. The print release station is the place where we have an on-screen keyboard, and for people who don't do things particularly quickly, a long e-mail address can take several minutes to type on the keyboard. Several of the people I've been assisting have had their attempts disappear suddenly because we've reached some sort of hidden timeout that starts when the login screen is opened, and which does not reset itself in any way on any kind of keypress on the keyboard. I have been known to type their email addresses in on the second go-round simply because this timer is unforgiving and entirely invisible.

Another hidden timer runs while someone is waiting on various screens to either pay for their printing or use their library card credit, and no, we haven't been allowed to take cash for printing or copying for nearly a decade at this point. (This, too, is a matter of inaccessibility, even though our payment terminals are equipped with NFC readers so that the "tap to pay" options available with various cards or apps all work appropriately. Being cashless has pretty well made us hostile to the unbanked and to those people who would rather flip us a dime for a one-page print, rather than faffing about with a credit card charge of the same amount.) This hidden timer comes into play when we have to activate a supposedly "Inactive" user - even at my fastest, I would still not be able to complete it in the single minute of the visible timer. So I tell the people that they can reset the countdown timer just by pressing on the screen, but at about 45 to 60 seconds of sitting at the payment screen without pressing anything, the system drops back a level to the spot where you would select what you wanted printed from the available options. So, when the user becomes "active," they then have to go back through a couple of procedural steps, including re-scanning their library card and re-inputting their PIN, to get to the spot where they were before and discovered that the system didn't know who they were.

I'm not opposed to timers that exit out automatically and re-set the kiosk for the next person. I am opposed to secret timers that do this, because they create more problems than they solve. And especially secret timers that don't reset themselves.

The interface itself, especially the spot where the payment options are selected, has one glaring inaccessible part to it - only the button is touchable and will engage the labeled function. The text that is next to the button that describes its function is completely not part of the touchable space, and yet, I consistently have to help people who have touched the text, expecting it to be a target space, and who then get confused because something should have happened there. It sometimes takes me an explanation or two of "you have to push the button to the left" before they get to the right target area. And while these are not small buttons, neither are they particularly large, and so I can only imagine what someone with a disability or difficulty with being able to touch the same spot on a screen consistently would experience, in addition to massive frustration that this system doesn't have large enough touch targets for a crucial part of their function.

Oh, and also, apart from the first screen, which can be pinch-zoomed to make the target to start things easier to hit, everything from that point forward is of fixed size and is not zoomable or arrangeable in some form of larger blocks, or otherwise can have a mode for people who need larger touch targets or larger text to read or any other such accessibility concerns. And, while there's supposedly a button to change the language from English to Spanish, the only thing that gets translated is the interface where you put in a library card number and PIN or the e-mail address from the Print from Home option. Once signed in, everything is in English again. I filed a ticket about that, too, and apparently the company came back and told IT, when IT escalated the bug to the software developers, that they only intended to translate that first screen, and not the rest of the options that someone would have to go through to successfully print. That kind of sloppy, inaccessible work would have me advocating really hard for switching to some competitor product that actually gives a single shit about accessibility or language translation. That, of course, assumes there is one. I'm not entirely sure there is, at least with enough corporate support to make it something we would consider purchasing. (If we had an IT department that didn't have all their time consumed by putting out fires, I'd strongly urge us to find solutions that we could basically run and maintain ourselves, so that we could be responsive to comments and queries, instead of expecting and receiving the shrug emoji from the companies that we escalate these issues to.)

So I have multiple complaints about the software that we use, and zero faith that any of the issues that I raise about them will be fixed in any future release. And that's before I start complaining about our website, and our marketing materials, and so many other things that are also probably inaccessible. (although I did finally manage to get the text size bumped up for our digital advertising displays when I pointed it out to the marketing person how small the text was when they were at our location. I think they also need some refreshers on minimum contrast for images.)

The most recent gall for me, however, has been that other IT departments in our public schools have made foolish decisions of their own that render school-issued devices unable to get on our Wi-Fi. Our Wi-Fi uses a captive portal system, which is not my favored way of doing things, but it is at least a system that happens mostly automatically, with the user input needing to be to connect to the network and then to click the "Agree and Connect" button on the captive portal page. For most devices, this works fine, and people can then merrily use the Wi-Fi. For these school-issued devices, however, while they can supposedly connect to the Wi-Fi, they never get the captive portal page to appear, and none of the tricks that I know of to make said page appear work on these devices. As I was helping someone with this particular problem, I think I gained sufficient insight to know what's going on. Both of the sites used to try and generate the captive portal page timed out, and they both wanted to route through the same server and weren't able to do so. Which made me think "oh, no, someone's hard-coded a proxy for all traffic to pass through first." Which would work fine on school networks, or on Wi-Fi networks where you enter a passphrase to connect to the network, and otherwise then have access to the whole Internet from there. But on a captive portal network like ours, we need the connection to go to the captive portal page to start with, and then from there, we can open up the Internet at large. But the computers insist that all traffic has to go through this server first, including the captive portal page, no doubt, and so we have an impasse where the captive portal page needs to be acknowledged first, but the computer has been set up to route through some other server for everything, and therefore it will never let the captive portal appear and be acknowledged.

sigh

So to fix this, we'd have to convince the school IT to let their machines connect to our captive portal (and presumably other ones, too), and then to use their proxy server. There's probably CIPA and/or COPPA compliance issues there somewhere, and other things about who would theoretically be liable if a school computer were used to access age-restricted things, and so forth. Which, since we have trouble connecting with schools anyway, is probably a pipe dream of mine to get these conversations going and the desired result. Our best alternatives here are to use a desktop or library-provided laptop, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's somewhat hard to access your school learning modules and environments from a non school-issued device. So instead our Wi-Fi is inaccessible and students can't do their homework at the library, like they would like to.

And these are the things that I have direct contact with, or that show up in what I work with the public over. I'm sure there are so many other things that are accessibility concerns, or just concerns about whether or not someone feels represented, or safe, or that the library acknowledges their existence. I'd like for use to be better about all of this, but so much of that is in the hands of people with more decision-making power and resource allocation power than I have. And so I don't expect things to get any better any time soon, because the priorities of the library aren't doing a lot of pushing on those things, and the companies that we could be leaning on don't have incentives to improve, because they know we won't really be able to use a competitor product, assuming one exists.

But still I complain, and I file tickets, and I try. That's what I'm supposed to do, and hopefully, one day, things will get fixed. Preferably before someone decides to take us to court over accessibility issues. (This is an exercise in futility sometimes, and it bothers me, but I still try.)

It's December Days time again. This year, I have decided that I'm going to talk about skills and applications thereof, if for no other reason than because I am prone to both the fixed mindset and the downplaying of any skills that I might have obtained as not "real" skills because they do not fit some form of ideal.

09: Instruction

One of the things that was not made clear about what my job would entail was that there would be all kinds of instruction going on with regard to the library's resources. I expected there to be some amount of helping people wring better results out of the databases, or making their search engine queries work better and with the way the engine expected things to work, because that's the sort of thing that I trained on as a professional, and it's not necessarily obvious to the people who are just starting to use databases and search operators how to maximize them for best effect. Or even to know how those operators work and how to put them together so that they will produce something useful. (Yes, despite the understanding that I was not going into either a K-12 or collegiate space, I still held the belief that sometimes someone would seek help from the public librarian about how to do those kinds of schoolwork parts.)

Reality has told me that while those are useful things, it's highly unlikely that the public library user will ever get to the point where they need database tips or search operator optimizations. In the era of slop-generation machines, and the unwanted, forcible integration of those slop-generating functions into things like search machines or other aspects of our technological lives, I imagine that search operators are going to be even less used by the general public as they seek answers for what they are looking for, and are willing to accept slop because it looks correct and reads confidently.

What I spend so very much of my public-facing time doing is instruction, absolutely, but it is instruction of the most basic forms of technology interaction. Our print system, as I lovingly refer to it, is "[z]-teen fiddly steps, all of which have to be done in the right order or it doesn't work." Divided into parts one and two, of course, where part one is ensuring the thing that is desired to be printed has been properly downloaded and is printing the correct thing, because many people want to print the preview that they're being shown on the screen and then are confused when what prints is the e-mail behind it, instead of the document they can see. Or they want to fill out a document and print it, but the document itself does not have fillable fields in it, so instead I end up walking them through the printing process and then through the scanner process so they can scan back the filled-out form and send it to the people who want it.

And sometimes just getting to the document itself can be a real pain. For example, I had a document sealed with Microsoft Azure locks, so it wouldn't open in Chrome at all. The Microsoft website said we had to open it in Edge, which we did, and then signed in, and then it kept telling us that we had to switch to the right profile to open it, even though we were signed in to the right profile on Edge.

So then we opened it in Acrobat Reader, and it spawned an Edge window to ask for permission to open it, and when permission was granted and all the appropriate sign-ins were completed, the window returned an error saying that there wasn't a necessary token available. Nuts. That seems like the rock and the hard place at this point.

But, going back to Acrobat Reader and letting the process finish and close the "Hey, we opened up a pop-up, let us know when you're done" notification that appeared, it turned out we had successfully authorized unlocking the document, and the person was able to print their paperwork from the VA that had been sealed with this Microsoft lock. I strongly suggest involuntary chastity torture be applied to the engineers that inflicted this nonsense on us and made it not work when we did it their way and errored when we did it the way they wanted us to.

Or the countless times where someone has asked me why their form isn't submitting or moving on to the next page, and I scan the document, and point at one thing, saying, "That thing. It needs it in this form." The offender is usually ringed in a small red box, and has some text explaining the problem, but unless that's what you know to look for when something is having an error, you can breeze right by it, because you put in the information that was wanted, why isn't it accepting it?

I have, at least twice, helped people them pull their LLM-generated resume and cover letter out of the interaction phase with the LLM and into an application. That was mostly just e-mailing themselves the chat transcript and then dumping the text into Word documents, but to someone who hasn't done this thing a hundred times every day as part of their work, they need to be walked through the process of giving the transcript a URL to ping against, e-mailing said URL to themselves (a thousand curses upon the engineer at Apple that thinks that "Share" is the right button to hide "Save" operations behind), and then opening the transcript from the URL, copying the text and pasting it into Word, at which point they could start styling it as they wished. I have a certain amount of revulsion about people using those tools to do this work, but I am also somewhat professionally prohibited from giving advice to people on how to build their resume, apart from helping them with formatting or showing them where the templates are that they can paste their information into. We have community partners that can help with that, but those kinds of things usually necessitate a trip to the local metropolis.

It's often software that I have to deal with in one way or another when I'm doing these kinds of instructions, whether it's helping someone take pictures of identity documents and them moving them directly off their iProduct onto the computer so they could then be uploaded to the right site in drag and drop. (Which was the easier way, honestly, than any other available to them.) Or teaching someone, and then letting them practice, how to transfer material from their Macintosh to a storage drive, so they could eliminate it from their iCloud storage. (If my deep loathing for the way that Apple products and iProducts handle things like storage and directories and where something actually is hasn't come through yet, I should probably shout it louder.) When I'm in the weekly "Tech Help" program, there are a lot of things that need explaining, like how to slide a camera cover and make it possible for the camera to work. Or saving documents. Connecting to the Wi-Fi. (And then, occasionally, the secret ways to make the captive portal work properly when it doesn't do it the first time around.) Or helping someone with the apps on their iProduct and doing things with them. It's all stuff that would likely be covered in a class, or learned through experience of use, if you had started either the class or the use when you were younger, but many of the people here have neither had the class nor the long practice, and so I and the other person in the program are helping people as they handwrite the procedure for the thing(s) they have come to the program to learn how to do. This is not a knock on older people - it's just the most effective way for them to retain the knowledge and be able to use it when they're not in the program. (I write stuff down all the time to remember it and seed myself with reminders to do or follow-up on things.)

There's just so much need for what I would consider to be basic instruction in the use of computers that has not been provided, or is only being provided through a paying course, or only provided through situations where someone has to travel to the local metropolis, or it's only offered once a month as a three hour intensive, because that partner is doing the same thing at all of our locations and exhausting your community partners by making them try to sate the insatiable is a bad idea.

Many of these situations are happening with time pressure, as well, because they're running out of computer time and the library is closing and they just need to get this thing done first, why isn't it working! And that kind of panic often makes instruction not possible as much as being very directive about what needs doing. And once the thing is done, the person no longer needs the instruction, because they don't expect to need to do it again.

I've also found that a fair number of the people who are in the library and need assistance with working with the computers fall into one of two camps. The first camp hates computers and the increasing electronic everything and wanting as little to do with it as possible. They have had bad experiences with computers, or bad experiences with people who have said they are good with computers and have not figured out how to avoid looking down their noses at the people who aren't, and they prefer human to human interactions rather than anything mediated by a computer. (They most likely would agree with the maxim "a computer cannot be held accountable, therefore a computer must never make a management decision," and then go forward into complaining about how everything has to be mediated through computers, automated assistants, and chatbots when all they want is a telephone number to talk to a human so that the problem can be fixed in five minutes. Because the human will understand what they want.) Much like my younger self, these are not people interested in instruction or in retaining the instructions, because they never want to have to do that thing ever again, period. With enough repetition, I suspect, much like my younger self, it will sink in and they will learn things, but also like my younger self, they will never stop being salty about having learned it in the first place. They are people who will accept the idea that computers are stupid, but they will blame the computer for being stupid when it is a PEBKAC error.

The second camp are people who have become afraid of computers. Those people have often been fed the scary stories about black-hat hackers, and stolen currency, identity theft, and the exfiltration and posting of data, botnets, and all of those things that do happen, absolutely. They also know that phishers and predators are using computers, deepfakery, synthesizers, viruses, and other such things to fool people into giving them sensitive information or to just take it without asking. So they don't like interacting with computers, either, but it's because they've been convinced by a steady stream of media stories that if they press one key wrong, or click in the wrong place, it will mean that they have given access to a criminal organization that will steal their identity and all their money and compromise all of their systems. These are people who are open to instruction, but only so far as it gives them an exact sequence of steps to faithfully replicate, and if at any point, something happens that is not in the sequence, or the sequence produces an error, they have a panic because it's not working like I said it would be. It's a brittle form, because the slightest deviation, or the change of a UI element, or any other such thing is enough to change the entire thing and now they're back to baseline worry that something catastrophic will happen if they deviate even the slightest bit from a known-safe procedure. These people will not accept the idea that computers are stupid, nor are they particularly keen to understand that because of this, the people designing computer software have figured out how to put in all sorts of guardrails around permanent decisions. I try to give this piece of wisdom for the afraid: "If the computer asks if you're sure, and you're not, click the 'cancel' button." (I also try to explain to them that most criminals aren't after them specifically, they're either after the data that the company has, and if they get that, there's nothing you could have done to stop it, or the part where a scammer is trying to get you to do something before you think about it, and so the best way to beat those is to take the information given, and then find some other way to contact the people they claim to be, and confirm with that. I know it doesn't always work, even on people who know that's what's going on, but I try. And so do our community partners.)

Because I do these pieces of instruction so often, I've become a very practiced hand at doing it, and guiding people with all sorts of devices or different scenarios successfully to the result they want. Often times they misattribute this to some form of brilliance, superior intellect, or supernatural beneficial aura that I have and they do not. I usually try to pop that bubble by being honest about how many times a day I do this, and if they had the same amount of experience I did, they'd be just as good at it. I don't think the bubble actually pops all that often, but it very much is having experience in the general form enough, and having seen several of the most common (and a few less common) ways that the process errors or goes slightly sideways that I can course-correct in the moment to keep someone on track. And that also sometimes means knowing when to let go of the part that's saying "they're not doing it right!" or "they're repeating this step unnecessarily!" and focus on making sure that the thing gets done in the end, regardless of whether it was done efficiently or elegantly. Because most of the time, I'm not going to see that person again and they're not going to come back to tell me about what happened because of what we did. They're not interested in perfection, they're interested in satisfaction, and therefore any job that is satisficing is a good job. (Even in some cases where I know that the thing that they want to do, and the thing that would be actually effective toward reaching their goals are two very different things, but they don't want help on doing the effective thing, they want help on doing the thing they want to.)

For example, I was helping someone work through making sure their emails all synced to an iProduct. One of the un-synchronizing accounts just needed to be removed and re-added, and it started syncing again. The other was an account that kept prompting for a password, which we couldn't actually find, remember, or make, but after trying all the things we could to get it work, the person mentioned that everything from this account that was complaining about not having a password forwarded to one of the accounts that was already on and synchronizing to the iProduct ([annoyed grunt]!) So I deleted that account from the phone, and lo and behold, no more password prompts. That doesn't help the underlying problem of not knowing the password to get into that account, but it does accomplish what was asked of me, and the person left happy that I had fixed the problem they wanted help with. Satisfaction achieved.

If I had more time with people, and could guide them through repeated attempts to do the same thing, especially those things that sometimes have slight variances, I could help them build the skills they need to be able to do the more general form of the thing they want to do, but I don't get that. I don't have that for programming time, and I don't have it for those interactions on the public service floor. The best I have is trying to steer someone toward one or the other resources that can help with this, because they know they'll have someone for a class period, or a video that they can watch infinitely until it clicks, or any of the other things that are really needed for any kind of learning that isn't just-in-time learning. For that to happen, the person has to be interested in learning the specifics and the general situations, and most of the people at the library, I suspect, don't want to learn the general pattern of a thing, they want to learn how to do the specific thing they want done and to move on.

What that usually means for me is a lot of repeat instruction. Even though when I signed on to do this job, I didn't think I was going to be doing a lot of teaching. (And I still recoil from being referred to as "Teacher" in any way. I don't have an education degree, please don't call me that.)

Sometimes, though, people do come back, or they do tell me about what happened after they interacted with me. I helped someone put together a huge zip file of pictures and video, then showed them how to upload it to Dropbox and provide a shareable link to those that needed to see it. Then they came back a few days later and needed to add a new picture to the file, so we did that, too, and re-uploaded and re-shared everything just to be sure that it would work properly.

Or they appreciate the care and the rest that goes into the instruction. I helped walk someone through the process of first signing into their e-mail (and walking through the steps for a recovery to make sure they could get in, and gleaning that the person who had set up the account had set themselves as the recovery e-mail and telephone number, which could have made the process a lot shorter—all things that I have done before, but that would (and did) throw someone who hasn't for a loop), and then helping them walk through getting their boarding pass printed and confirmations all sent to the right places. By the end of this process, I was complimented by the person saying "after you've shown me how to do this, I could teach someone else how to do it." Which is certainly a goal of mine when it comes to helping people do these things.

It's December Days time again. This year, I have decided that I'm going to talk about skills and applications thereof, if for no other reason than because I am prone to both the fixed mindset and the downplaying of any skills that I might have obtained as not "real" skills because they do not fit some form of ideal.

08: Disappointment

It's a remarkably human thing for someone who is looking for a response to ignore the response that they're being given because it doesn't match what they are expecting to hear. People who work in public-facing positions know this intrinsically, and often have to devote considerable resources and time to making sure that what is happening in front of them is not a failure to understand, but instead a decision not to accept what they understand. That particular insistence on a wrong position being correct generally only comes out when there's money involved. Even so, good places that deserve repeat business are willing to work with people when it's genuine mistakes that have been made, or someone realizing that they've ordered the wrong size shirts to surprise someone with.

I, on the other hand, rarely am dealing with money matters, and instead there's a lot of "oh, I did return that book, I remember doing so" and a fair amount of "Oh, shit, I think I returned that book to City Library System instead of you, County Library System." On that last one, I can reassure them that things will get back to their proper places in some amount of time, because this happens very frequently and we trade materials between ourselves on the regular.

What I encountered recently was, instead, people who were expecting a specific response and didn't get it, and refused to hear what was actually being said, because it didn't match their expectations. I don't think it was malicious, since it was about getting information, but it does crop up regularly. A person who was asking about renewing a digital checkout, for example, kept insisting that they have never seen the thing I was describing to them in all the amount of time that they have been using the site, while I patiently kept trying to get through and say "that option doesn't appear until about three days before due date, and it should appear here, on this page," but it was at least three or four times around the block of "no, I've never seen that, I don't know what you're telling me" before I finally managed to get this person on a working situation. Mostly by having them first go to the spot where the thing would appear, and then explain that this is the spot where it will appear, but it will still have to be about three days before the due date before it will appear. And that it still might not appear if someone has a request in for it. I think that finally got through by having someone actually do the steps, instead of insisting that the thing that I know exists has never been part of their experience.

Same day, later on, someone is calling to get information about a half-remembered thing where one of the local Christian megachurches put on something like a "Living Christmas Tree" and they wanted to know what the details would be about getting tickets for the program. I found the thing, a Singing Christmas Tree, and which church it was associated with, and there was a nice note on their homepage saying "Hey. We know that we've done things in the past that have been big spectacles, but this year, we're taking a different tactic and giving you awesome Christmas experiences for each Sunday in December. No tickets, no cost, just Christ." Which I relayed to the person on the telephone, and they wanted to know about the ticket cost and the performance dates. And so I gave them the times for the Sunday services, and they said, "No, those are regular church times." And so we went through this information dance a second time before it went through and the person understood that the big extravaganza they were hoping to either get tickets for or relay information to someone else about was not going to happen, and then they hung up. A little bit more research, now that I had the right name, showed that the big extravaganza had finished up a final show in 2022, and so this hadn't been an actual thing for three years now. If that note hadn't been on the church's front page, I might have had a helluva time knowing that I had the right thing, even when I eventually would have discovered the article about the show hanging up after fifty years of performances. I'd be confident in my answers, but saying "no, that doesn't actually exist any more" is one of the answers that tends to get a more disbelieving answer. Probably because the expectation is that the answer will be something other than that. When that happens at work, I can either react to it with "well, I've disappointed someone," or with "just because I told you something other than what you wanted to hear does not mean that I'm the villain here!" Depending on how the interaction goes, it'll lean one way or another.

I took some serious psychic damage last week, when, because they were offering, I accepted a free roof and attic inspection from people looking to drum up business for their roof replacement services, thinking they might give me a good idea about the state of my roof. And what they gave back to me was the possibility that my roof was structurally failing and would need to be replaced, well ahead of the schedule that the original roofers had put in for it. And so, then they provided me with the sales pitch for their services, and after all of that, we started talking numbers, and that's at the point where I started giving pushback on the matter. The numbers that came in were "it'll cost you what it's cost you to get rid of your ex" numbers, and if there's one thing that has saved my ass multiple, multiple times, including when I was in a really bad headspace, is that I know, viscerally, what I can do with the resources I have available to me, and I can calculate and budget. This particular offer was going to be a non-starter, because I don't have that kind of slack in my budget. Ask again once I've paid off the loan I took out to get rid of my ex, and I still might tell you no. I explained to the now sales person what my situation was, and what kind of monthly payment might be within my ability, and then it was "well, I can take some money off of it up front, and give it back to you as a rebate, that'll let you get a few months into this, or you could use it for Christmas presents." While I was still having a complete despair of "my roof is falling apart and I definitely do not have the resources to do this replacement," I wasn't going to budge on the part where I had to actually be able to afford this situation, and in a battle of "pushy, get-to-yes salesperson versus Silver who knows what they have to work with," pushy salesperson loses. Especially pushy salesperson who is not listening to me about what I'm telling them. They left without their sale, and I threw up a flare to people who may have been able to finance such things about the situation in a panic.

Looking back on this, I realize that the emotions and issues I was feeling regarding this were the same kinds of emotions and things that I was feeling when my ex was pushing back on me to do something that we couldn't afford. I felt terrible because I was disappointing someone by not giving them what they wanted, and with my ex, my own disappointment at failing at capitalism was then reinforced with her disappointment or upsetness at not getting what she wanted. So, yeah, I was ready to blame myself for the roof falling in because I hadn't noticed the signs, and I hadn't put together anything for maintenance once I was actually back on my feet and more clear-thinking, and there wasn't going to be anything I could do about it, so I was just a disappointment to everyone, and this massive ADHD tax was just what I deserved. Those were some unhappy neural pathways, and they were definitely well-oiled from all the time I'd spent with my ex.

After I'd calmed down a little bit through the magic of sleep, I also decided to call the people who had put the roof on and see what their opinion of the situation was, and possibly to set up a maintenance contract so that I could get as much life out of my failing roof as before. Their person that came out explained to me what would need to be done to the roof to bring it back into good work, and with the idea that doing the work of getting the roof cleaned, and then treated, and changing some things so as to prevent water damage to brick work, and then reinsulating the attic, and things would be better. They also quoted me a price for all of this that was more in line with what I believed I had in wiggle room for my budget, so I accepted that, and set up the financing paperwork, and informed the people I'd sent the flare to about the situation changing and how I was feeling much more confident in my ability to make it work, based on the new and lower price that I'd been quoted for maintenance work instead of replacement work. So yet more time spent on the "all my money goes to making sure my house and my people are healthy and well, and maybe once all that gets paid off, I can think about possibly contributing more than the absolute minimum to retirement plans" situation, but I've been managing for aleph-null years now, so what's a few more.

I think my ambient "constantly disappointing others" and panic meter have been increased because of things happening at work. While I'm not in danger of being RIF'd, a lot of people around me are, and their disappearance will result in some serious rebalancing of the work that's going on, to the point where everyone, except upper administration, loses. The justifications for this have ranged from utter bullshit to rank bullshit, and despite all of the big and loud pushback they've received about how this set of changes (and all the other changes they've pushed on us) are the exact opposite of good public service and show a contempt for both the staff and the public that we serve, they continue to barrel forward with all of them. So there's heightened tensions around, as well as a certain amount of uncertainty about what's going to happen when the supposed deadlines roll around and the next set of changes gets put into action. There might be some ambient anxiety leaking out of my otherwise controlled self, because of all of this uncertainty, stubbornness, and general fucking-up of making change, communicating change, implementing change, and ignoring feedback about changes. If it persists, there may need to be conversations about establishing a more effective routine of anxiety dissipation, but for the moment, things are being managed. (Oh. There's another well-trod terrible neural pathway, the one that says that all the problems at my workplace are my fault. The manager who tried to get me fired instead of helping me establish good ways of work and reminders. The other supervisor who took away my collection management responsibilities because I made her look bad in front of upper management. The coworker who complained about various fidgets of mine to my supervisor. And all of that related material.)

I am still a disappointment to others, because sometimes other people expect something out of me that I cannot give them, or they expect me to work in ways that I cannot do. And sometimes because things slip through the cracks and I don't do the things that I said I would. (Or I got distracted.) And being a disappointment to others, outside of very specific and controlled circumstances, feels like a failure to live up to my potential, or more practically, that I am not a flawless and perfect being and therefore I can expect someone to make fun of me for that or otherwise express strong negative emotions at me for that. (Because my ex. And that manager. And the classmates in primary school.) And the only way to get out in front of that is to express stronger negative emotions first, and otherwise self-flagellate sufficiently that someone else doesn't need to. It's not a healthy way of looking at things, and breaking out of it will mean accepting a baseline principle that I have yet to see enough evidence of (or that I have enough self-confidence to assert in the face of a horde of biting weasels, take your pick): that I have worth as a person, regardless of what I do or don't do, regardless of how other people perceive me, and that worth is not conditional upon anything else.

You know, the kind of thing that other people take for granted as a part of themselves, and will look at you funny when you say that you're still working on that.

(But someone said, having come back to the library, that they still remember the people who were there when they were much smaller, and that they understand a little bit better now what we were doing and how we tried to help them, now that they're having to do academic work. So some of that help stuck, or at least they appreciate the help more now. Not a total disappointment, then.)