What's wrong
Mar. 29th, 2004 08:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hkellickOK, I'm at work now, so I'll try to explain why this weekend was so bad and hope someone can help me do something about it.
The biggest problem I'm facing right now is being terribly out of my comfort level. It's bad enough dealing with a brand new job and moving into a brand new apartment. The stress involved with this has been enormous to begin with and I'm not fully certain I was REALLY ready for it. Unfortunately, I don't have any local friends or any sort of local life I can duck into to avoid it all either. Even just sitting in front of the computer feels.. odd and wrong, but at this point in time, and especially after the gun incident, I feel so out of my comfort zone it isn't funny.
I've been thinking about the hotel and why it was better than the apartment. I can come up with a number of questions.
I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to go home. I don't want to come to work even though, you know, I don't dislike my job and I am excited about the prospects of a new career. I definately don't want to go back to the apartment and sit around and try to just kill time before trying to go to bed for the night and hoping to god I can sleep.
People have tried to comfort me, to be there for me, but I feel terribly terribly alone and it's extremely upsetting. Phone calls to Kristen don't help because all I'm doing is upsetting her. Going out doesn't help because I eventually have to come back home to the apartment anyways and it's dark and creepy and, mostly, lonely and not mine.
It makes you think about what makes a place your home. I've been thinking about that alot lately. Will it be my home when I have my cats there? Will it be my home when I have a few good memories of time spent there? Of friends there or girlfriend there or whatever. When does this place I signed off on become MINE?
I've never lived alone. Ever. I've lived with my family or with, at the least, a roomate in college I may or may not have gotten along with. Coming home to any place alone is.. less than wonderful. I don't really know what to do with myself. Maybe when I actually have more choices because I have a working TV, VCR and DVD player.. and a computer desk for my computer and all my games and music and a couch to read/watch TV on.
So.. I dunno what to do. Everyone I've talked to says hold on tight and see if things get better when you have your stuff down. But I think, at the moment, I NEED to know that I can, at worst, get the hell out of that apartment with relative ease.
And I need to find someone/some group I can start being social with and in a hurry.
Please help me. I'm way too emotional, way too out of sorts, way too borderline fucked up to be having even close to a good time anymore.
I just wish I knew what to do.
Edit: - I got hold of the office. They have people working on some of the problems I noticed Saturday. I'll finish off my list tonight and get it to them tommorow. I mentioned the episode Saturday night and it IS OK for them to have protection in terms of firearms, but they are going to talk to him about keeping his stereo down, as per his lease agreement. Hopefully this does not cause even more problems.
The bad news is that if this apartment WAS a mistake, it's a mistake I'm stuck with for a year, or suffer the fiscal consequences (I'd be responsible for the rent for the apartment until it was rerented).
So... definately back to just waiting for a little while and see if I can find a comfort level. A coworker offered to try to come up with a list of things to do in the area and I do want to search on the internet for Maryland gaming groups.
If it gets really really bad, I may need to contemplate breaking the lease. But we'll see... let's get my stuff down, try to make the apartment actually a home, find a comfort level there and I should be OK.
The biggest problem I'm facing right now is being terribly out of my comfort level. It's bad enough dealing with a brand new job and moving into a brand new apartment. The stress involved with this has been enormous to begin with and I'm not fully certain I was REALLY ready for it. Unfortunately, I don't have any local friends or any sort of local life I can duck into to avoid it all either. Even just sitting in front of the computer feels.. odd and wrong, but at this point in time, and especially after the gun incident, I feel so out of my comfort zone it isn't funny.
I've been thinking about the hotel and why it was better than the apartment. I can come up with a number of questions.
I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to go home. I don't want to come to work even though, you know, I don't dislike my job and I am excited about the prospects of a new career. I definately don't want to go back to the apartment and sit around and try to just kill time before trying to go to bed for the night and hoping to god I can sleep.
People have tried to comfort me, to be there for me, but I feel terribly terribly alone and it's extremely upsetting. Phone calls to Kristen don't help because all I'm doing is upsetting her. Going out doesn't help because I eventually have to come back home to the apartment anyways and it's dark and creepy and, mostly, lonely and not mine.
It makes you think about what makes a place your home. I've been thinking about that alot lately. Will it be my home when I have my cats there? Will it be my home when I have a few good memories of time spent there? Of friends there or girlfriend there or whatever. When does this place I signed off on become MINE?
I've never lived alone. Ever. I've lived with my family or with, at the least, a roomate in college I may or may not have gotten along with. Coming home to any place alone is.. less than wonderful. I don't really know what to do with myself. Maybe when I actually have more choices because I have a working TV, VCR and DVD player.. and a computer desk for my computer and all my games and music and a couch to read/watch TV on.
So.. I dunno what to do. Everyone I've talked to says hold on tight and see if things get better when you have your stuff down. But I think, at the moment, I NEED to know that I can, at worst, get the hell out of that apartment with relative ease.
And I need to find someone/some group I can start being social with and in a hurry.
Please help me. I'm way too emotional, way too out of sorts, way too borderline fucked up to be having even close to a good time anymore.
I just wish I knew what to do.
Edit: - I got hold of the office. They have people working on some of the problems I noticed Saturday. I'll finish off my list tonight and get it to them tommorow. I mentioned the episode Saturday night and it IS OK for them to have protection in terms of firearms, but they are going to talk to him about keeping his stereo down, as per his lease agreement. Hopefully this does not cause even more problems.
The bad news is that if this apartment WAS a mistake, it's a mistake I'm stuck with for a year, or suffer the fiscal consequences (I'd be responsible for the rent for the apartment until it was rerented).
So... definately back to just waiting for a little while and see if I can find a comfort level. A coworker offered to try to come up with a list of things to do in the area and I do want to search on the internet for Maryland gaming groups.
If it gets really really bad, I may need to contemplate breaking the lease. But we'll see... let's get my stuff down, try to make the apartment actually a home, find a comfort level there and I should be OK.
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-03-29 06:20 am (UTC)See if there's local boards or ads in papers that allow people new to the area to meet up (not singles ads, friends ads). I mean, even see if there's a lj community for the area, have a look at it if there is (there's ones for towns over here) and see if they do meet-ups?
Your place will feel better with your own stuff. Living alone is liberating for some, lonely for others, but it won't ALWAYS be you on your own. It'll be harder, sure, with none of your stuff, and you won't have a chance to feel settled until then. The cats will help immesley - just other life forms, I always found, and their companionship (although not human) is good.
*hugs* I hope some of that helps a bit at least. When Andy was in Edinburgh working and I was here, I felt remote and cut off too, since my friends were all away as well. It's not a nice feeling, but I had our belongings, our cats (and Callum) and it was more bearable. I think I'd go mad in a place with none of my things to make it easier, and noone around me I knew. You're doing ever so well :)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-03-29 06:29 am (UTC)I just realized you won't be around for April 1. Sometime before then we should talk about MUX stuff.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-03-29 06:31 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-03-29 08:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-03-29 07:35 am (UTC)I don't think a house/apartment will feel like a home right off the bat no matter where you go. . but eventually it will! Home really IS where the heart is, and after you've spent some time there and made some memories there, it will be more like a home. Stick with it! You're doing fine, and everything you're going through is normal, you just need time (time being a lot more than a week!).