Last night

Last night was better. I slept a little better (the room got stuffy fast. I have a box fan and I'm going to have to work with it and try to get some air circulation in here. Any ideas how to get air circulation without the box fan specifically touching me so I'm not too cold?

I did end up working at 1:30 again because the neighbor upstairs was playing his music, but it wasn't as loud as it was two nights ago, so I eventually drifted back to sleep. Cheers for not having to deal with him immediately again.

This apartment still doesn't really feel comfortable. It doesn't feel MINE. I haven't shaken off the negative feelings from certain important things not working and the whole gun thing. I miss my home. I miss my cats.
The whole gun thing really scared me. One of the things I'm going to call about this morning is something I think the girl said when I signed the lease... that if this apartment DOESN'T work then I can give them thirty days notice before the first of the month telling them, I'll move out at the end of the month and then.. that's it.. no problems with needing to pay for the apartment until it's rented. If that's true then that's a major load off mymind.
One way or the other, I'll give this place a chance, especially after I've gotten my stuff here. If it doesn't work out, I'll (hopefully be able to) break the lease and find someplace else to move into. Perhaps Foxfire.

This place feels odd. I KNOW it's mine, but it doesn't feel like mine. It feels even less mine than the hotel did, though that's probably because, for bettter or worse, a hotel is made to be vaguely home-like whereas here I have.. an airbed that sucks to sleep on, no comfortable chairs or couches etc.
It's like.. right now.. I ended up waking up early (yes, I'm still tired. I was just too hot and sweaty and couldn't sleep anymore), so I got dressed, ate breakfast, checked email and LJ and now it's like... well.. now what do I do?
And I KNOW that if I were home, I might be surfing the internet (which is hard from the apartment due to the only way that's comfortable typing on the computer is putting the screen a bit farther away from me than I'm sued to so it's hard to read the letters), but I'd just as likely be watching TV or possibly playing with cats or whatever. It feels odd because I DON'T really know what to do with myself.
Juist a couple more days until I get my stuff.

I do want to write more about the weekend later. Perhaps from work. Dunno.
Gonna go read for another 10 minutes then go, I guess.
Hopefully the rest of the week goes by quickly, what with working and all.

What's wrong

OK, I'm at work now, so I'll try to explain why this weekend was so bad and hope someone can help me do something about it.

The biggest problem I'm facing right now is being terribly out of my comfort level. It's bad enough dealing with a brand new job and moving into a brand new apartment. The stress involved with this has been enormous to begin with and I'm not fully certain I was REALLY ready for it. Unfortunately, I don't have any local friends or any sort of local life I can duck into to avoid it all either. Even just sitting in front of the computer feels.. odd and wrong, but at this point in time, and especially after the gun incident, I feel so out of my comfort zone it isn't funny.

I've been thinking about the hotel and why it was better than the apartment. I can come up with a number of questions.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to go home. I don't want to come to work even though, you know, I don't dislike my job and I am excited about the prospects of a new career. I definately don't want to go back to the apartment and sit around and try to just kill time before trying to go to bed for the night and hoping to god I can sleep.

People have tried to comfort me, to be there for me, but I feel terribly terribly alone and it's extremely upsetting. Phone calls to Kristen don't help because all I'm doing is upsetting her. Going out doesn't help because I eventually have to come back home to the apartment anyways and it's dark and creepy and, mostly, lonely and not mine.

It makes you think about what makes a place your home. I've been thinking about that alot lately. Will it be my home when I have my cats there? Will it be my home when I have a few good memories of time spent there? Of friends there or girlfriend there or whatever. When does this place I signed off on become MINE?

I've never lived alone. Ever. I've lived with my family or with, at the least, a roomate in college I may or may not have gotten along with. Coming home to any place alone is.. less than wonderful. I don't really know what to do with myself. Maybe when I actually have more choices because I have a working TV, VCR and DVD player.. and a computer desk for my computer and all my games and music and a couch to read/watch TV on.

So.. I dunno what to do. Everyone I've talked to says hold on tight and see if things get better when you have your stuff down. But I think, at the moment, I NEED to know that I can, at worst, get the hell out of that apartment with relative ease.
And I need to find someone/some group I can start being social with and in a hurry.

Please help me. I'm way too emotional, way too out of sorts, way too borderline fucked up to be having even close to a good time anymore.
I just wish I knew what to do.

Edit: - I got hold of the office. They have people working on some of the problems I noticed Saturday. I'll finish off my list tonight and get it to them tommorow. I mentioned the episode Saturday night and it IS OK for them to have protection in terms of firearms, but they are going to talk to him about keeping his stereo down, as per his lease agreement. Hopefully this does not cause even more problems.
The bad news is that if this apartment WAS a mistake, it's a mistake I'm stuck with for a year, or suffer the fiscal consequences (I'd be responsible for the rent for the apartment until it was rerented).
So... definately back to just waiting for a little while and see if I can find a comfort level. A coworker offered to try to come up with a list of things to do in the area and I do want to search on the internet for Maryland gaming groups.
If it gets really really bad, I may need to contemplate breaking the lease. But we'll see... let's get my stuff down, try to make the apartment actually a home, find a comfort level there and I should be OK.