A chance to think
May. 5th, 2002 09:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hkellickWord seems to take forever to save and load this one file... of course the file is 81 MB, so I guess I can understand why.
I'm putting the final touches on this damn paper. That's good.. it gives me a chance to think and write while Word takes forever to do what I want it to do...(like cut a bleeding appendix, for pete's sake... nrrrgh)
On the plus side, I'm nearly done. Once I finish this paper, I'm done with it. Period. It's out of my hand forever. I think I'm leaving it in much better shape than it was given to me. The appendices are in order (or will be as soon as this one appendices is cut.. for pete's sake :P ) and the writing in the report is alot more concise and clear than it was when I first got this on Friday. It'll be good if this paper leaves my hands in good shape. I'm not unhappy to see it go.
On a totally different topic, I'm very concerned. Alot of my friends (and family) seem to be chronically depressed.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
phinnia seems to go through nearly daily cycles of immense amounts of angst and depression and... OKness (not great, as far as I can see. OK.). kareila has flashed her blue Lain icon (her depressed icon) more often than any other for.. a while now. Even my own brother, Josh, seems to be suffering from intense depression.
I'm especially worried about Josh. I can tell he's been in a serious funk. I suspect some of it is... senior year was probably his best year ever... the school knew he could SING.. he got male lead in the musical, got to sing as Louie Armstrong (and it was scary. To my ears (and I consider myself to have very good ears, musically), Josh sounded AN AWFUL LOT like Louie Armstrong, last Thursday in the "Cafe Night" (it's some ice cream social/concert)... I suspect part of it is... he's not ready to give high school up, now that he's really enjoying it.
Part of it is the way dad screwed him with the car Josh desperately wanted. Josh so desperately wants a car and dad promised.. and then took the promise away (bastard.)
I'm worried, though, about how he doesn't seem to care about anything but when he'll get his next television fix (Josh is seriously addicted to television. He's like one of those stereotypical couch potatoes who doesn't care WHAT'S on, but watches it anyway (this is not strictly true. Josh will not watch all sorts of things, but his choice of programming is... lacking in my eyes.)). He wants to go to NCCC, but with dad having possibly screwed him with a car, he needs to consider going to ECC and.. he won't move on that.
*shakes head*
... in unrelated news, dad called me today. I'm not sure how he heard, but he heard that graduation was this week. And I hadn't invited him. As luck would have it, he's going away this weekend, so he shan't be there Saturday after all.. and.. he's really upset about it. He's very upset that I never told him.
And that got me to thinking... this wasn't totally purposeful (not consciously). I didn't make the conscious decision not to invite dad.. and yet it happened.
On one hand, I never see dad anymore. He picks Josh up from school or from inside the yard and I simply never see him. And I've been busy enough (to be sure!) this past few weeks to really think about anything but getting through.. whatever... or relaxing and unwinding to make sure I don't go temporarily sane.
On the other hand, I know I threatened a few times that I did not want him or that witch of a wife of his ruining my graduation the same way he ruined my bar mitzvah. And the day will come when dad is not in my life anymore (much faster than he thinsk, maybe), because he's such a bastard.
I can't help thinking that there were times he tried to directly hinder my chances at education.
Oh yes... I do hold grudges. And if you keep fueling the grudge, it can go on and on and on. Dad keeps fueling the grudge.. with how he treats me and how he treats my family.. and how he ALLOWS his wife to treat any of us.
So... the question I'm asking myself now is... did I purposely not invite dad to this (subconsciously) or did I just honestly forget? I wish I knew.
Anyways... I think I'll post. Talk to y'all later.
I'm putting the final touches on this damn paper. That's good.. it gives me a chance to think and write while Word takes forever to do what I want it to do...(like cut a bleeding appendix, for pete's sake... nrrrgh)
On the plus side, I'm nearly done. Once I finish this paper, I'm done with it. Period. It's out of my hand forever. I think I'm leaving it in much better shape than it was given to me. The appendices are in order (or will be as soon as this one appendices is cut.. for pete's sake :P ) and the writing in the report is alot more concise and clear than it was when I first got this on Friday. It'll be good if this paper leaves my hands in good shape. I'm not unhappy to see it go.
On a totally different topic, I'm very concerned. Alot of my friends (and family) seem to be chronically depressed.
phinnia seems to go through nearly daily cycles of immense amounts of angst and depression and... OKness (not great, as far as I can see. OK.). kareila has flashed her blue Lain icon (her depressed icon) more often than any other for.. a while now. Even my own brother, Josh, seems to be suffering from intense depression.I'm especially worried about Josh. I can tell he's been in a serious funk. I suspect some of it is... senior year was probably his best year ever... the school knew he could SING.. he got male lead in the musical, got to sing as Louie Armstrong (and it was scary. To my ears (and I consider myself to have very good ears, musically), Josh sounded AN AWFUL LOT like Louie Armstrong, last Thursday in the "Cafe Night" (it's some ice cream social/concert)... I suspect part of it is... he's not ready to give high school up, now that he's really enjoying it.
Part of it is the way dad screwed him with the car Josh desperately wanted. Josh so desperately wants a car and dad promised.. and then took the promise away (bastard.)
I'm worried, though, about how he doesn't seem to care about anything but when he'll get his next television fix (Josh is seriously addicted to television. He's like one of those stereotypical couch potatoes who doesn't care WHAT'S on, but watches it anyway (this is not strictly true. Josh will not watch all sorts of things, but his choice of programming is... lacking in my eyes.)). He wants to go to NCCC, but with dad having possibly screwed him with a car, he needs to consider going to ECC and.. he won't move on that.
*shakes head*
... in unrelated news, dad called me today. I'm not sure how he heard, but he heard that graduation was this week. And I hadn't invited him. As luck would have it, he's going away this weekend, so he shan't be there Saturday after all.. and.. he's really upset about it. He's very upset that I never told him.
And that got me to thinking... this wasn't totally purposeful (not consciously). I didn't make the conscious decision not to invite dad.. and yet it happened.
On one hand, I never see dad anymore. He picks Josh up from school or from inside the yard and I simply never see him. And I've been busy enough (to be sure!) this past few weeks to really think about anything but getting through.. whatever... or relaxing and unwinding to make sure I don't go temporarily sane.
On the other hand, I know I threatened a few times that I did not want him or that witch of a wife of his ruining my graduation the same way he ruined my bar mitzvah. And the day will come when dad is not in my life anymore (much faster than he thinsk, maybe), because he's such a bastard.
I can't help thinking that there were times he tried to directly hinder my chances at education.
Oh yes... I do hold grudges. And if you keep fueling the grudge, it can go on and on and on. Dad keeps fueling the grudge.. with how he treats me and how he treats my family.. and how he ALLOWS his wife to treat any of us.
So... the question I'm asking myself now is... did I purposely not invite dad to this (subconsciously) or did I just honestly forget? I wish I knew.
Anyways... I think I'll post. Talk to y'all later.
