An amusing thing I found online

[hkellick]

I did *NOT* write this. However, as a concerned guy, I will spread it along :)

Gentlemen,

Some helpful advice...

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed..............................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
in the snow...................................................+8
but return with beer..........................................-5
and no liners.................................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron.................................+10
It's her cat..................................................- 40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a work colleague.....................................................- 2
Named Tiffany.................................................- 4
Tiffany is a dancer...........................................-10
With breast implants..........................................-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday..................................... 0
You buy a card and flowers.................................... 0
You take her out to dinner.................................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a pub.................+1
Okay, it is a pub.............................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night................................-3
It's a pub, and it's all-you-can-eat night....................-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a mate................................................ 0
The mate is happily married...................................+1
The mate is happily single....................................-7
Not for long - it's his stag night............................-10
He has a liking for Kings Cross establishments................-50

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.......................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate..............................+6
You take her to a movie you like..............................-2
It's called Death Cop III.....................................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans........................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.........-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable beer gut.............................-15
You develop a noticeable beer gut & exercise to get rid of it..+10
You develop a noticeable beer gut and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts........................................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."..............-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding...................................-10
You reply, "Where?"..........................................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your arse"......................-100
Any other response...........................................-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression..................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes................................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.......+50
You're mind wanders to the cricket and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".........................-100
You have fallen asleep.........................................-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.......
You talk.....................................................-100
You don't talk...............................................-150
You spend time with her......................................-200
You don't spend time with her................................-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself.........GAME OVER YOU LOSE!!

Comments

[zorkian]

rofl, Janine and I got a kick out of that. :)

[rhayden.livejournal.com]

*falls over laughing many many times*

Not within mi_bonita_gato's hearing, of course.

If she asks, I glimpsed this while buying her extra-light panty liners in the snow after pummeling a night-noise with a six iron which occured VERY late at night because we just got back from watching a movie she liked and I hated and because she needed to talk after the movie and I related to the problem and shared something similar that's happened to me. All of which tired me out.

[dustkitten.livejournal.com]

This is why I'd rather be a lesbian.

Fucking pigeonholing cliched bullshit.

[lite.livejournal.com]

Yes, it is a cliche. But these cliches ARE built on experiences and, generally, don't come out of nowhere.
Perhaps it's even bullshit.
That doesn't make it any less amusing. If you don't like it, feel free to post your own.

[angiepenguin.livejournal.com]

Hey... I'd probably *like* a movie which features cyborgs eating humans.

...

Well, perhaps not eating humans... unless the cyborg had some weird sort of character trait that made them do it in an unusual/amusing way. Eh, I dunno. Unless it wasn't graphic, it would be good.

[jillsmyth.livejournal.com]

There is a pub called The Toad on Main in Winnipeg and I would actually really like to go eat there. And if it is 25cent wings night, so the much the better :) mmmmmmm wings.....{drool}

[lite.livejournal.com]

Heh.

*patpatpat*

[dawnstar.livejournal.com]

Yeah, okay ... lots of stereotyes. Not all women are like that, blah blah blah. There, I've said my part for womenkind.

In all honesty, it's amusing. I think the parts that are most amusing are the parts that are true. We've gotta be able to laugh at ourselves, right? :)

[lite.livejournal.com]

Exactly.
It's not like this joke mocks Specific Women. If it did, it would be crueller and less funny for other people.
I think we should be able to mock stereotypes. If we can't, we probably are too close to still being in one...

[tallin.livejournal.com]

I'd probably add "... for our own comfort" to that one, just from my own experiences, worrying as I do that I'm too close to a stereotype or two that people that know me assure I'm at least 30,000 light years from.

[tallin.livejournal.com]

I'll concur with you on the "fucking pigeonholing cliched bullshit". I also postulate that, in SOME instances, and I've seen this with a lot of stereotypes, the stereotype is used as a justification for things. I can do X because I'm a woman, or Y because I'm black, or Z because of some other reason that society excepts as gospel. Funny. Had I seen this five years ago, I might have agreed with it. I think it was the woman I was dating at the time. Apologies for judging womankind and those with working eyes by one Jennifer Paden of Huntington, WV ... even if I did come to my senses in relatively short order. </ramble>

[dustkitten.livejournal.com]

I actually was gonna :) But I wasn't home..and now I just don't have the time..maybe Monday.