Mr. Brightside – DOREK TOWER 19.11.25
Nov. 19th, 2025 06:00 am![[syndicated profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/feed.png){kind=small}
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am I too long-winded, employee leans on me for help with everything, and more
Nov. 19th, 2025 05:03 amaskamanager_feedIt’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Do I need to be less long-winded?
How can I be less long-winded? I’m a senior manager, so I have to talk frequently: laying out project goals and plans, providing directions to team members, clarifying roles, explaining my feedback or why I disagree with a recommendation, explaining a complex situation/problem we need to solve, etc.
I feel like when I’m talking, I might be going on too long because people often interrupt me because they think I’m done talking, but I’m not. I often have a detail to add that I think is important because it adds nuance to what I just said, or it sums up the explanation I just gave. Earlier in my career, I felt like I was not talking or explaining enough, because I would say my piece and get blank stares back, or people would gloss over what I said, only to circle back later and realize that what I had said was spot on/helpful/important. Now I wonder if I’ve overcorrected in the other direction. Maybe I’m over explaining, maybe people get the point the first time I make it, maybe I just drone on. I’m not sure. How would I know? What can I do to be more concise and still get my point across?
It could be any of those possibilities, or it could be that you work around a bunch of fast talkers / fast processors who are jumping in too soon or it could be that you’re pausing longer than you realize (or otherwise giving off cues that you’re done) and so people don’t realize that you weren’t finished. The best way to figure out what’s going on is to ask someone you trust to be honest and who has opportunities to see you in action! Tell them you want the unvarnished truth; you can’t fix it without knowing exactly what’s happening.
It’s also possible that your points weren’t given the same attention earlier in your career because you didn’t have the standing that you have now (because of your current position) and that it had nothing to do with your communication style back then. So you could also experiment with assuming that you don’t need to explain as much as you’ve been doing and see what happens if you limit yourself to, say, two-thirds of how much you’d normally talk now. Do your points still seem to land or are people not following what you’re saying? That would be interesting data as you sort through this, too.
2. Coworker refuses to consider any candidate who opens their application with “Dear Ms. ___”
Recently I met a man with a name that is often coded as female (think Ashley). He told me that it makes first round hiring easier, because he just automatically discards anyone who addresses their application “Dear Ms. ___.”
While I take his point that it speaks to a lack of research and preparation from the candidate, this also seemed extreme to me. I have a name that is very feminine and even still I occasionally get addressed as Sir/Mr. in emails (I assume this is because the role of hiring manager is still coded as masculine for many). It’s useful information, but I just make sure to include my pronouns in any replies.
It seemed to me a bit of a privileged stance to say, “Of course you should be able to address me correctly,” when women have to deal with this on a far greater level. I’m sure women named Max would have a very small candidate pool if they discarded every applicant who misgendered them. Or am I overreacting and, gender aside, he’s right that candidates who don’t check the genders of the hiring managers when applying deserve to not be interviewed?
Yeah, that’s bad hiring. It sucks that we live in a world where people make incorrect assumptions about gender based on names, but that’s what happens … and I am really skeptical that he himself always successfully avoids misgendering people when their name is the only thing he knows about them.
It doesn’t reveal a ton about those candidates’ mindsets (as opposed to the way “dear sirs” does reveal an assumption that in business, maleness is the default). It just reveals that they were taught to associate many names with gender and that Ashleys are usually women (and also that the person isn’t a Gone With the Wind fan).
If he thinks they should be doing more research to determine he’s a man, I’d be interested to know if he’s also automatically rejecting everyone who opens their letters with “dear hiring manager” (I bet he’s not, nor should he be). If I managed him, I’d be very concerned about his hiring processes if he was automatically rejecting good candidates over either of those things.
3. My employee leans on me for help with everything
I am struggling with an employee who, at best, has a confidence problem and, at worst, is letting herself off the hook on executing things because she’s always waiting around for my feedback. This employee has a need to run EVERYthing by me, including emails she’s drafted to individual people. She is very kind, but struggles to really complete tasks in general and this added layer of needing my approval on everything she does has become a real issue.
I have tried the kind way, trying to build her confidence by reassuring her that I trust her judgement (I do!) and that she is very intelligent and capable, but it has not helped and the issue seems to be getting worse. I am worried I’m being too harsh, but I have my own very long list of tasks to complete, and having to constantly hold her hand has been completely draining to me and makes me not love my work in the way that I used to. I am rarely critical of her in any real meaningful way and do my best to really praise her work when it does occasionally get done, but at this point I’m at a loss.
It sounds like the problem is that you haven’t been clear enough with her. This shouldn’t just be, “I trust your judgment so you don’t need to run things by me.” It needs to be, “I need you to make decisions about things like XYZ on your own without waiting for my feedback.” The first version is too soft and leaves the door open for her to think that continuing to lean on you so much is still an option; the second version tells her clearly she needs to change what she is doing. If you’ve already done that, then it’s time to escalate in seriousness to something more like, “Making decisions independently on things like XYZ is a really important requirement of this position, and I need to see you doing that in order to keep you in the job.”
That isn’t too harsh! It’s actually kind to spell out what you need from someone who isn’t picking up on it, and to tell her now, while there’s still an opportunity for her to change what she’s doing, rather than waiting until the issue has festered so long that the situation is unfixable.
Related:
how can I stop softening the message in tough conversations with my staff?
4. The yoga studio where I teach hasn’t been paying me on time
I’ve been teaching yoga for about four years now and was hired for my first job at this small group training facility. I teach once a week and often sub for one of the two other instructors. I previously got paid monthly. I have a full-time job and this is my side gig. So, it’s money I use for things like gifts, or save up for vacations.
Over the last two years, my monthly payment stretched to being paid every two months. This past year, it’s stretched out to being paid every four or five months. I’ve asked the owners several times to leave a check for me for next week. I’ve also asked if there is an easier way for them to pay me, such as Venmo or direct deposit.
I’m at the point now where I’m owed for over 21 classes ($40 per class). Enrollment in the small training groups seems to have dropped as I’m seeing new members less. People do join for the yoga-only package to come to the yoga classes. What’s the best way to ask to be paid and let them know I can’t/shouldn’t have to wait longer than two months for payment? I’m at the point now where I want to say that I won’t teach until I get paid, but that isn’t really my vibe.
Well, wait, saying that you won’t teach until you get paid should be your vibe! That’s a very reasonable and justifiable stance to take. If there are any wrong vibes here, it’s “we hire you for your labor and then don’t pay you when promised.”
I’m guessing you’re worried about coming across as confrontational with people you’re on good terms with … but where is their worry about coming across badly to you?
In any case, it doesn’t need to be adversarial. You can simply say, “I’m currently owed for 21 classes and I’ve tried to extend as much grace as I can, but I really do need to be paid. There’s so much owed now that I can’t teach any additional classes until we get this squared away, because I don’t want the outstanding amount to grow larger. Can you let me know when I can pick up the check?”
But also: once you’re paid, consider whether you can safely continue teaching at this studio, because it sounds like the payment issues may continue. At a minimum, you could consider requesting that monthly payment be made before you teach for the following month … because otherwise you’re risking that at some point payment will never arrive and you’ll have been working for free.
5. Skipping a holiday party while grieving
I experienced the death of my child this year, and though I seem okay at work, I’m struggling with my grief. My therapist and I have been working on preparing for the holidays, which can be a fraught time for grievers, and we’ve agreed that I should minimize my participation in holiday events and parties.
How can I explain this to my boss? We all get the time out of the office to attend our daytime holiday party, so it’s not like I can say I need to stay at the office for staffing reasons. Am I just unexpectedly “sick” on that day? I don’t want to seem like a Scrooge or like I’m not a team player, but I really do need to take a big step back from the holidays this year for my own mental health. What do you suggest?
I’m so sorry! Any manager who is even a 10% decent person would understand if you explain that you’re not up to attending a party this year. I would say it this way: “It’s been such a hard year for me and my family that I’m not in a place to attend a holiday party yet. I can remain at the office during the event or head home once everyone leaves for it, whichever you prefer.”
The post am I too long-winded, employee leans on me for help with everything, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.
Conservation
Nov. 18th, 2025 04:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithNew directory of 125+ tree-planting nonprofits makes it easier to contribute to reforestation around the world
The Global Reforestation Organization Directory provides standardized information about the public commitments and transparency of more than 125 major tree-planting organizations, making it easier for donors to compare groups and find the ones that match their priorities.
Save the world, plant some trees! :D Coming into the holiday season, watch for organizations that offer gift options where you can plant trees in someone's name.
The Global Reforestation Organization Directory provides standardized information about the public commitments and transparency of more than 125 major tree-planting organizations, making it easier for donors to compare groups and find the ones that match their priorities.
Save the world, plant some trees! :D Coming into the holiday season, watch for organizations that offer gift options where you can plant trees in someone's name.
grump
Nov. 18th, 2025 04:44 pmthe_shoshanna1) I got water in one ear in my shower yesterday that has still not cleared. So I feel a lot of pressure in my head and it's given me a headache all day. (I have been trying all the recommended ways to clear it; no luck.)
2) Our ground-floor bathroom is being painted -- which, yay for being aaaaaaalmost done with the renovations, my god I cannot wait. But one of the painters has been coughing a lot, which may be nothing (I mean, I have a persistent cough myself, plus I just saw out of my office window him going out for a smoke, which sure could explain it), but nonetheless Geoff and I have been staying upstairs in our offices, which means I haven't done a bunch of things I might have done downstairs.
Ah, I see from my window that the painters are leaving, so we'll let the air filter downstairs run a while longer and then I can go start on food prep and other downstairs things. Also I can go look at which the bathroom looks like! We had to change our choice of flooring at the last minute and I spent five seconds going, yeah, I think the paint we chose to go with the old floor choice will go with the new one, sure, why not! because I could not face starting the color choice process over from scratch, and anyway it's not like we use that bathroom a lot, and if we hate it we can repaint it. Later. Much later.
And in the meantime I will take some ibuprofen and pull at my earlobe some more.
2) Our ground-floor bathroom is being painted -- which, yay for being aaaaaaalmost done with the renovations, my god I cannot wait. But one of the painters has been coughing a lot, which may be nothing (I mean, I have a persistent cough myself, plus I just saw out of my office window him going out for a smoke, which sure could explain it), but nonetheless Geoff and I have been staying upstairs in our offices, which means I haven't done a bunch of things I might have done downstairs.
Ah, I see from my window that the painters are leaving, so we'll let the air filter downstairs run a while longer and then I can go start on food prep and other downstairs things. Also I can go look at which the bathroom looks like! We had to change our choice of flooring at the last minute and I spent five seconds going, yeah, I think the paint we chose to go with the old floor choice will go with the new one, sure, why not! because I could not face starting the color choice process over from scratch, and anyway it's not like we use that bathroom a lot, and if we hate it we can repaint it. Later. Much later.
And in the meantime I will take some ibuprofen and pull at my earlobe some more.
Birdfeeding
Nov. 18th, 2025 01:58 pmysabetwordsmithToday is cloudy and cool. It rained most of last night and into this morning. :D
I fed the birds. I've seen a few sparrows and house finches.
I put out water for the birds.
EDIT -- I did a bit of work around the patio.
It's been raining on and off.
EDIT -- I did more work around the patio.
EDIT -- I did more work around the patio.
As it is now dark, I am done for the night.
I fed the birds. I've seen a few sparrows and house finches.
I put out water for the birds.
EDIT -- I did a bit of work around the patio.
It's been raining on and off.
EDIT -- I did more work around the patio.
EDIT -- I did more work around the patio.
As it is now dark, I am done for the night.
how do I deal with the two-faced manager who laid me off?
Nov. 18th, 2025 06:59 pmaskamanager_feedA reader writes:
I’ve been working in the marketing department of a large company for nine years, in a somewhat specialized role. I sit within a smaller subteam originally managed by “Jean-Luc,” who was the kind of manager everyone hopes for — fiercely protective of his team, willing to go to bat for any of us, and fair if it came down to any issues that needed dealing with.
At the beginning of the year, Jean-Luc told us that he’d be moving on and assured us he’d be directly responsible for hiring his replacement to ensure a good fit. Two weeks before he left (I’m in the UK and we typically have three-month notice periods), he hired “Kai Wynn,” who seemed very knowledgeable and interested in my specialist area, so I was looking forward to expanding my own knowledge and geeking out about it with her.
Sadly, that hasn’t happened. Six months after Kai Wynn took over, she told me and another role specialist (different area) that our roles would be made redundant and a single role would be created, which we were both welcome to apply for. The new role is basically an expansion of the role my colleague is doing, though in an area I have some previous experience in, and my role is going to be outsourced to an agency. We both applied for the role and my colleague got it — not surprising as the interview task and job description were basically what she already does. So I was laid off, with a (thankfully generous) severance.
It feels like Kai has set this up deliberately to get rid of me, knowing I wouldn’t have had the experience to compete with my colleague. Some of my other colleagues (the ones I can trust to confide in) have said it all looks suspicious too. It especially stings as I’ve just got a mortgage, so now I’m panicking about being able to get another job to avoid losing my house.
I’ve been given an end date of six weeks hence, with a further six weeks pay in lieu of the remaining notice (fairly standard here, I think). Thankfully I work remotely so I don’t have to see her or my other colleagues in person during these last few weeks. I’m also undecided if I want a leaving-do — it’s standard practice in our team when someone leaves of their own accord, but it doesn’t feel appropriate for my situation. I also don’t want to socialize with Kai for obvious reasons!
Kai is now being overly nice in our weekly one-on-ones, asking if I’m okay and if I need anything, offering to help me with my CV, and even sending me job listings that match my skill set. It’s coming across as really two-faced and insidious, and I’m having to hold myself back from saying, “No, I’m not okay — you’ve kicked me out of the job I love!”
She’s now asked me to do a handover in my last few weeks for the agency and my colleague who got the role, which feels like a real kick in the teeth. Honestly, I feel so hurt by how she’s gone about this that I’m tempted to just refuse, and let her deal with the fallout, but that feels unfair to my other colleagues who would be left to try and unpick my processes without documentation. How should I handle my feelings of resentment towards her until I leave?
It’s completely understandable to feel resentment toward a new manager who came in and eliminated your job … but I think you’re reading more into it than probably happened.
If Kai felt your team didn’t need both roles and would be better served by combining them into one (or if she needed to make budget cuts and judged this the least-bad of the places to cut), it makes sense that this happened. It doesn’t mean it was personal or that she set out to get rid of you specifically or was engaging in any double-dealing; it’s much more likely that it’s just what she judged made the most sense for the business (even though that doesn’t make it suck any less for you personally). It’s also possible that the decision came from above her.
I also wouldn’t assume she deliberately set you up to compete against your coworker while knowing for sure that you wouldn’t get the job; she might have figured it was fairer to let you both interview for it. (If she hadn’t offered that and instead had just laid you off from the get-go, you might have resented that she didn’t even give you a chance to compete for the job. Or maybe you personally wouldn’t have, but a lot of people would!)
It also makes sense that she’s being nice in your one-on-ones and offering to help in your job search. Managers should be supportive of people whose jobs are cut and should be doing exactly the things she’s doing.
You don’t have to like her or respect her judgment or anything like that — you’re allowed to feel bitter! — but it’ll be easier to make peace with what happened if you don’t look at it as dishonesty or back-stabbing.
None of that means that this isn’t awful for you. It is. But acting in your own interests would mean taking her up on her offers to help with your CV and or at least to send you job listings, and even asking if she knows of any openings she can connect you with. You don’t have to; it’s your prerogative to decide you can’t stomach that … but why not get some benefit on your way out?
With the handover work, you don’t need to go above-and-beyond, but you should at least do it at a level that won’t make her retract those offers of help or change the kind of reference you might get from the company in the future.
The post how do I deal with the two-faced manager who laid me off? appeared first on Ask a Manager.
my new employee is someone I fired at my old job
Nov. 18th, 2025 06:23 pmaskamanager_feedA reader writes:
I recently took a new job in my same industry and city. In my new role, I’ll have a team of eight reporting to me in various capacities and functions. During the interview process, I got a brief read-out of the team and a high level talent assessment. Nothing stood out as an issue. On my first day, I met the team reporting to me. One of the people on the team is someone that worked for me before and who I terminated for cause due to performance at my previous company.
What do I communicate to my management team and/or HR about this situation? It feels weird to say nothing because ultimately, this could be a management issue — I’m sure this employee doesn’t feel great about the situation. On the other hand, I don’t want to risk harming this person’s reputation at this company if they are doing a good job so far. This person is pretty new here, too, and my impression is they are either doing a better job in this role or management has not yet identified an issue with their performance.
I answer this question — and two others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.
Other questions I’m answering there today include:
- Why do people respond to emails with a phone call?
- Setting boundaries on requests for help from a significant other’s network
The post my new employee is someone I fired at my old job appeared first on Ask a Manager.
my employer has taken all flexibility out of working from home, and people are upset
Nov. 18th, 2025 03:59 pmaskamanager_feedA reader writes:
I work for the government. A few months ago, changes were announced to our employment situation. Government employees who were able to work remotely have been doing so since the pandemic. In 2022, we were mandated back to the office two days a week. It used to be that people could choose what days they were on site, and if someone missed a day in the office here or there it was no problem. Now everyone is required to be in the office Mondays and Fridays. You are not allowed to swap for any other day of the week. You can’t work from home Monday or Friday (for example, you can’t say you’re not feeling well, have a plumber coming and need to be home, etc.). If you can’t come on site, you must take either a vacation or a sick day. You must have childcare for the days you are working remote now and can’t be responsible for caring for children during work hours. You can only take time-off in full- or half-day increments now. No exceptions.
We have all been given new laptops and all of our work, our email, our phone app and everything else is behind a portal. The portal is only accessible weekdays between 9 am and 5 pm. You can no longer log into it on evenings, weekends, holidays, or any time outside of our work hours. If you are using a vacation day or sick day, you can’t log into the portal. This makes it so no one can work outside of our work hours. We are also required to log out of the portal for 30 minutes each day for a lunch break, and this is tracked so people are unable to work through their lunch. Besides when we are on our lunch break, we are supposed to be at our desk/laptop working. Screen captures are taken randomly. There are other measures to ensure we are at our laptop working if we are working remotely, and all of them are legal.
We are told these changes are because people were working unauthorized overtime, outside of hours, and on vacation days. Or people were doing things like errands and appointments during the workday and then working outside of hours to make up for it. Our location is also tracked because people were working in other jurisdictions, and it was causing tax and employment law issues. I know of one person who was hurt in a car accident, and they were over two hours from home in the middle of the workday and had not booked a vacation day. Things like this were cited as the reason for the changes.
There are no exceptions to any of this. It is legal, all of the elected officials agree with it, and it is allowed under our employment contracts and the various union agreements. I am a manager but I have been told even the unions say nothing that can be done.
The changes are unpopular, but how do I get my employees to see that the changes are here to stay? I am just as unhappy as they are, but this is the reality now. Even since the changes happened, all job openings get hundreds or even thousands of applications. The unions and any lawyers people talk to say nothing can be done. I understand everyone is unhappy, I am too, but how do I get them to realize the changes are here to stay?
The best thing you can do is to be very blunt with people about the reality of the situation, so that you don’t inadvertently say something that encourages them to think things might change. For example, don’t say anything like, “This is the situation for now” (which leaves room for “it might not be forever” — which may or may not be true but either way doesn’t help them right now). Instead, be very, very clear: “It’s not how I would have chosen to do things, but there’s been a lot of pushback and it’s been made very clear that this will not change.”
You might also consider adding: “I hope you’ll try it out and see if you can get used to it, but they understand we might lose staff over it and they’re prepared for that. I of course don’t want to lose you, but I also understand if you decide it’s not for you.” Because ultimately that’s what it comes down to — they can stay on knowing the conditions of the job have changed or they can decide not to. It doesn’t sound like there’s a middle ground.
(Or rather, I’m assuming there isn’t a middle ground. If someone is able to show that the changes are causing bigger issues than the problems they were meant to solve, it’s possible your employer will walk some of this back. But I’m guessing that they figure they have the upper hand, given the job market, and it sounds like they think people were abusing the earlier flexibility.)
You can also say, “I want to be blunt with you because I want you to be able to make the best decisions for yourself. The changes are here to stay. They’ve been challenged in every possible way, and we’re told nothing will change. At this point we each need to decide if we want our jobs under these conditions. I hope we won’t lose you, but ultimately that’s what it comes down to.”
From there, it’s really up to them. All you can do is to (a) repeat that you don’t want to lose them but understand if that’s what they decide, and (b) make sure they’re not complaining about it so much that it’s distracting other people or bringing down the morale of your team.
For what it’s worth, the requirement to have child care is very, very normal (assuming it only applies to kids under a certain age and not, like, a 16-year-old). Before the pandemic, that was an utterly routine requirement for remote work; it got relaxed by necessity when schools and daycares closed, and even afterwards because child care shortages lingered in many places) but it’s been becoming a common requirement again. It’s genuinely hard, if not impossible, for most people to care for young kids while focusing on work; one or the other ends up suffering.
If your employer was having issues with people working unauthorized overtime or working on vacation or sick days, that’s likely what drove them to restrict portal access to work hours. They can get in a lot of trouble for allowing people to work unpaid. The same goes for tracking people’s location to ensure they’re not working from a different place than they’re authorized to work from; employers can get in a lot of trouble for not following the tax and employment laws of the jurisdictions where the work is taking place, even if they don’t know about it while it’s happening. I’m not surprised that they’re cracking down if there were more incidents like that car accident two hours away from the spot where someone was allegedly “at work.”
And I’m guessing the Monday/Friday in-office requirements are because they saw that people were working less on those days because they’re near the weekend.
The screen captures are overkill. But it sounds like your office felt people were abusing the flexibility they’d been given, and that’s how you ended up here. It’s not good! But it’s also foreseeable if that’s what was happening (and it’s actually good that they’ve still left three work-from-home days; other companies have made people do a full return on-site).
The post my employer has taken all flexibility out of working from home, and people are upset appeared first on Ask a Manager.
askamanager_feedIt’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. My coworker accidentally linked her nudes to our team Photoshop account
My coworker was using our team’s Photoshop account for a personal project (which our manager is aware of and okay with) and somehow she accidentally linked her phone camera roll to the account so all of her personal photos were visible on the team account. This might have been a nonissue, but my coworker has numerous sexually explicit photos on her phone that were then linked to Photoshop without her knowledge. The way she found out about this was our manager calling her after hours and letting her know she needed to unlink her phone photos immediately. Manager did not mention anything about the content of the photos.
Clearly, my coworker is now embarrassed and freaking out about what this means for her job. Could she be fired over this?
It’s possible, but it’s far more likely that her manager will just have a serious conversation with her about being more careful in the future — or might assume the embarrassment has already handled teaching her the lesson (which it probably has). Your coworker could help things along by thanking for the manager for calling her right away and saying that she’s mortified and it will never happen again.
2. Not telling an intern the real reason she was fired
I am in middle management at a company that takes on a fair number of interns every year. At a recent meeting (just middle managers and our boss), my coworker mentioned some very inappropriate behavior from an intern. Apparently, Coworker and Intern were working with a client and Intern started talking about marijuana use at length — how it’s so helpful for her, how much fun it is, but sometimes the way she acts while high is scary to her — while Client laughed along and encouraged the conversation. We all agreed that the internship needed to be ended early, both because of this and because Intern is late more often than not.
Coworker asked us not to tell Intern that we knew about the inappropriate conversation. Boss said that was fine, and that he’d tell Intern she was being fired for arriving late too many times. I suggested it might be a good idea for Intern to know that what she said in front of the client was not okay, for her professional growth if nothing else. Coworker never discussed it with her, so she wouldn’t know. Nevertheless, she was fired for “tardiness.”
Do you think this was the right way to handle it? I understand Boss wanting to respect Coworker’s request not to tell Intern that he knew what Intern said, but at the same time, I feel like Intern deserves to know. What do you think?
I’m with you. Part of the point of an internship is to learn about how work works, and it’s a disservice to the intern not to tell her that that conversation was firing-level inappropriate. It’s far better for her to learn that lesson as an intern than at a regular job where the stakes will be higher. In asking your boss not to share the info, the coworker was prioritizing her own (extremely mild) issues of comfort over what’s actually best for the intern, and it’s too bad that your boss agreed to handle it that way.
3. How do we ask for extra pay for overnight events when we’re working for a friend?
I work part-time as an assistant event planner. The company is owned by one main planner, Jane, who does this full-time and brings in three assistants to help on the day of events. The three of us all have separate full-time 9–5 jobs during the week, so this is side work for us. Event days are long, physical, and often outside in hot weather, but we all genuinely enjoy working together and have become good friends.
As the business has grown, Jane has started taking on more events that are farther away, which often means overnight travel. We’re paid hourly for the event work itself and reimbursed for expenses while on the road, but the travel adds a lot of extra logistical work for us — arranging time off or remote days from less-than-ideal locations for our regular jobs, managing childcare and pet care, packing for several days, etc. It’s starting to feel like we should be getting some additional compensation for that extra burden, maybe a flat bonus for overnight events or something similar.
The tricky part is: I don’t think Jane realizes how much of an extra ask these overnights are. She’s a workhorse who will happily go from 5 a.m. to midnight, and when she’s in the zone she can get tunnel vision about what the event needs, without realizing that not everyone can or wants to operate that way or that we have other responsibilities outside her business.
Jane genuinely enjoys these trips and I think sees them as friend time as much as work time. To be fair, we do too! We don’t want to damage the good vibe we have, but we also want to feel fairly compensated for the extra effort that goes into supporting her growing business. How can we raise this without hurting the relationship?
Be straightforward and explain that the overnight trips require more from you than the local ones do, and ask to revisit the payment rate in light of that. For example: “Can we revisit the payment rate for overnight trips? Our current payment rate was arranged when all the events were local, but overnight events require a lot more, like time off from our regular jobs or arranging remote work and managing child care and pet care. Could we figure out a different rate for overnight trips that takes those factors into account?”
If she resists that, it’s completely fair and reasonable to say that you can only do local events. And since there’s a friendship element here that you’re worried about too, you can acknowledge that by saying something like, “I do have a great time on the trips and like doing them, but realistically it’s not something I can make work with my regular job at the current rate. So I will sit those out, but if you ever change the way they pay, I’d be interested in doing them again.”
4. Who should really be in the “to” field vs. the “cc” field?
The VP at my work requests that we copy his assistant when emailing him to make sure he responds. Often, if I am scheduling a meeting with him, his assistant will be the right person to respond. I feel weird CC’ing her and addressing the email to VP when the assistant is going to respond.
I have been addressing the emails to both of them and talking about the VP in third person when scheduling meetings. The VP needs information on the topic of the meeting, and the assistant is the one that works out the scheduling. I feel like I should actually be emailing the assistant and CC’ing the VP, but that may not be appropriate given his position either. What are your thoughts?
Either one is fine, and different offices do it differently — and in most cases, no one is really analyzing the to/cc fields that closely (there are some exceptions to that, but they’re rare) and you’re probably putting too much worry into it.
In this case, since the VP has specifically asked that you copy his assistant, you should do it that way. And it’s very, very normal to do it that way! The idea is that you’re emailing the VP about the need, but his assistant is copied in so she can handle the set-up. But most likely, they don’t really care which way you do it as long as you’re sending the info to both of them.
5. I’m on leave and just saw my company advertising my job
I work in middle management at a mid-sized office. There have been a lot of money troubles and management drama here in the past year, and I recently went on FMLA to address health issues I’ve been ignoring. The stress of the job was definitely a contributing factor to my declining health.
I will return to work this winter and have communicated my expected return-to-work date to HR, but I was scrolling a job board and noticed that my employer posted an opening for my job. It has a different title than mine but is exactly what I do in my day-to-day. I’m trying to not freak out and tell myself that maybe management has realized how overworked I was previously, so they’re hiring help for me. But I can’t help but think that they are trying to blatantly replace me. Management is known to hold grudges toward people who go on leave. I know that technically my employer can move me to the “same or equivalent position” when I return from FMLA, but I also know there is quite literally no money or space to hire a Second Me for the office.
Is there any way to interpret this non-maliciously? My current thought is to continue with my current return-to-work plan and see what happens, but the uncertainty is killing me.
It’s possible that they can’t leave the work undone and so they’re hiring for it now, with the plan of moving you to an equivalent role when you return or of having there be two people doing the work or at least of having overlap. Or it’s possible that they’re planning to flagrantly violate federal law and push you out for taking FMLA.
One option, if you want to, is to email your manager and say you saw the job posting and ask if they’re adding a second role or envisioning you returning to a different one. But it also wouldn’t be a bad idea to make sure you have a lawyer to contact if they do indeed try to push you out.
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Pool Open!
Nov. 18th, 2025 12:01 amysabetwordsmithfuzzyred is hosting a pool for the half-price sale in Polychrome Heroics. Targets include the whole Finn Family thread and whatever else will fit in the budget from the Big One thread. The latter includes a triptych about Josué and Aidan, as well as two poems about Frank the Crank, for those of you following either of those characters.
Climate Change
Nov. 17th, 2025 04:44 pmysabetwordsmithSatellite images reveal the fastest Antarctic glacier retreat ever
Hektoria Glacier’s sudden eight-kilometer collapse stunned scientists, marking the fastest modern ice retreat ever recorded in Antarctica. Its flat, below-sea-level ice plain allowed huge slabs of ice to detach rapidly once retreat began. Seismic activity confirmed this wasn’t just floating ice but grounded mass contributing to sea level rise. The event raises alarms that other fragile glaciers may be poised for similar, faster-than-expected collapses.
Just because something is big, doesn't necessarily mean it's always slow. Climate change can move blindingly fast.
If I were there, I'd be crawling over that exposed plain searching for signs of life. Antarctica is waking up.
Hektoria Glacier’s sudden eight-kilometer collapse stunned scientists, marking the fastest modern ice retreat ever recorded in Antarctica. Its flat, below-sea-level ice plain allowed huge slabs of ice to detach rapidly once retreat began. Seismic activity confirmed this wasn’t just floating ice but grounded mass contributing to sea level rise. The event raises alarms that other fragile glaciers may be poised for similar, faster-than-expected collapses.
Just because something is big, doesn't necessarily mean it's always slow. Climate change can move blindingly fast.
If I were there, I'd be crawling over that exposed plain searching for signs of life. Antarctica is waking up.
possibly boots just hates me personally
Nov. 17th, 2025 09:17 pmwychwoodFirst day back at work fairly whizzed by; between catching up with email, Teams messages, and the spam queue, redoing and circulating all the team monthly reports because it turned out we didn't have any data for 30 or 31 October when I did them, and my interim PDR I was fairly bushed by the end of the day. The PDR went well, but was quite intense. Then I staggered off to my singing lesson, but surprisingly was somewhat revived by Schumann, who is not normally that inspiring for me.
Then I came home and tackled a pile of evening tasks. The cleaner is coming tomorrow, and I had an accumulation of things in my to-do list that I hadn't got to. There's still quite a few left, but I have least ordered the things I wanted from Boots. Or Miss H did it for me, at least, after a catalogue of disasters including six successful orders cancelled immediately after I placed them, Paypal getting into a loop where I had to input a 2FA code in order to be shown a captcha which then told me I had completed it successfully and hung indefinitely (at least three times), attempts involving two payment methods, three computers, two different web browsers, on multiple days... all of them identically unsuccessful. As I said despairingly to Miss H, I just wanted to buy some insoles, how could it possibly be so hard.
It worked fine for her, anyway, and I've paid her back so soon I will have my spare hot water bottle etc.
And on that note of triumph I am going to transport myself to bed where hopefully the current hot water bottle will have made everything lovely.
Then I came home and tackled a pile of evening tasks. The cleaner is coming tomorrow, and I had an accumulation of things in my to-do list that I hadn't got to. There's still quite a few left, but I have least ordered the things I wanted from Boots. Or Miss H did it for me, at least, after a catalogue of disasters including six successful orders cancelled immediately after I placed them, Paypal getting into a loop where I had to input a 2FA code in order to be shown a captcha which then told me I had completed it successfully and hung indefinitely (at least three times), attempts involving two payment methods, three computers, two different web browsers, on multiple days... all of them identically unsuccessful. As I said despairingly to Miss H, I just wanted to buy some insoles, how could it possibly be so hard.
It worked fine for her, anyway, and I've paid her back so soon I will have my spare hot water bottle etc.
And on that note of triumph I am going to transport myself to bed where hopefully the current hot water bottle will have made everything lovely.