Inlaws....

Nov. 23rd, 2025 03:37 am
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly posting in [community profile] agonyaunt
1. When I say goodbye to my mother-in-law, she frequently traps me in extended hugs. They often last longer than 15 seconds! During these hugs, she rattles off compliments that are probably well-meaning, but which I take as insults: She’s grateful that I’m a good cook for my husband, for instance, and that I keep our house so clean. My husband and I are both working professionals. We split the housework evenly, and I’m proud of that. My husband says that his mother’s comments are just her way of trying to connect with me. But is there a way to dodge her hugs? That’s when the so-called compliments begin.

DAUGHTER-IN-LAW


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2. Dear Carolyn: We are a very small family — just me, my older sister and my parents. Five years ago, my sister married into a very large family, and her in-laws host all the holidays. We’re always invited, but it’s never any fun for us. There are 20 of them together, talking and laughing, and me and my parents in the corner by ourselves.

I’ve honestly tried to join in, but they’re always talking among themselves about people I don’t know. I ask them about their lives, and they go on and on, but when it’s time for me to talk, I get either cut off or ignored. They try to be nice, but after the third or fourth attempt to answer a question, you can tell they don’t care about the answer.

So I’ve decided I’m not going for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. On Thanksgiving, some of my friends are meeting up for a hike in the morning, and then there’s a pub crawl later in the evening, and that’s enough holiday for me. I can order a pizza for dinner. For Christmas, I plan to have breakfast with my parents, open gifts and then kick back for the rest of the day while they go off to my sister’s in-laws’ house.

Even though my parents agree about the in-laws, they are telling me to suck it up and go for their sake. They and my sister are really upset with me, saying I’m going to ruin their holidays, hurt my brother-in-law’s feelings and not see my niece. I say there will be so many people around that my brother-in-law and niece won’t miss me, and I’ll see them both on Black Friday and then again on Christmas Eve, so it’s not like I’m missing out entirely.

Am I being selfish like they say? Don’t I have a right to enjoy my holidays, or do I have to suffer in silence?
— Anonymous


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3. Dear Annie: My son got married about eight months ago, and while I truly do love his new wife, I admit I'm scratching my head over a few things. Maybe it's the times changing, or maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but it feels like I got a fourth child instead of a daughter-in-law.

When they come over for dinner, I do what I've always done: make a nice meal, fix everyone a plate and pass the rolls. I'll serve my husband, my boys and even the dog if he looks hungry enough. But my new daughter-in-law? She piles food on her own plate, sits down and tells my son to get it himself. My jaw nearly hit the mashed potatoes. He works all day to provide for her, and the least she could do is hand him a pork chop! Instead, I find myself jumping up to fix his plate while she's scrolling through her phone.

And the laundry, don't even get me started. Because they don't have a washer and dryer, she brings her clothes over, and somehow, I end up doing them. It's like my son got married, and I gained another load of towels.

Should I speak up, or just keep folding her laundry and praying she buys a washing machine? -- Lost For Words in Georgia


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4. Dear Annie: Hoping you can offer some advice! My son has been married for six years to a beautiful girl who rarely speaks to us and acts as though we don't exist. Her distance has gotten much worse over time, and we have no idea why. We love her and are just as kind to her as we are to our other kids and their wives. My husband and I are so sad. This has broken our hearts.

We haven't said anything because we don't want to upset our son, but lately even he appears unhappy with her attitude toward us. When we've referred to her as our daughter -- as we do our other daughter-in-law, who loves the title -- she'll say, "No, thank you. I already have a mom and dad." We've always felt as parents ourselves that you can NEVER have too many people to love your child, so we were quite hurt by that.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. She's so cold and distant toward us that even our friends and family have noticed and commented. We are good people, we stay out of our kids' business and we keep our opinions to ourselves. Our motto is, "If you want our thoughts, you'll have to ask for them." We don't meddle or cause waves ever, yet she continues to find ways to fault us for things. It's completely unsubstantiated, but it persists!

It's to the point I have so much anxiety that I've considered seeking out a therapist. This DIL is so unapproachable, so to avoid conflict, we just sweep EVERYTHING under the rug to avoid causing our sweet son any grief.

Please let us know if you have any advice. Our hearts are broken! -- Boy Momma


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(no subject)

Nov. 23rd, 2025 02:45 am
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly posting in [community profile] agonyaunt
My mother-in-law is always on a diet. Her house also happens to be where the family gathers monthly for meals. Lately, she has been serving lighter fare and no dessert so that she can eat more healthfully. We are fine with the lighter meals, but when we pushed back on dessert, she got upset and said we weren’t being supportive of her. These meals represent a tiny fraction of what she eats in a year, and I am frustrated that I have to compromise on dessert. (It doesn’t help that her diets are usually fads and not based in science.) Advice?

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(no subject)

Nov. 22nd, 2025 10:13 pm
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly posting in [community profile] agonyaunt
Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend is still in regular contact with his ex-girlfriend. He is her confidant, and she admits she still loves him. He keeps her posted on our relationship, which is rocky because I am jealous of their relationship. I am not allowed to set any boundaries about this.

I want to ask him to stop being her confidant and to stop telling her about our relationship. They can remain friends, just not with such intimate conversations. He absolutely refuses any boundaries because “I am not going to let you pick my friends.”

Should I just exit this situation? For context, he and I are on and off because of this, and he usually dates her again when we are off.

— Jealous


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isis: (squid etching)
[personal profile] isis
But I was flying back from the Bay Area on Wednesday, and catching up with things the last few days, and heading down to the Phoenix area on Monday for a Thanksgiving Week vacation, so it's now or never.

This past trip was to visit my brother and his family, and also to do crosswords and cryptics with his group, who I meet every Saturday morning on a Zoom-equivalent for puzzling; I was there in person two years ago and wanted to do it again. But since I was going to be in the area I coordinated with an OTW meet-up group for dim sum on Sunday and met several of my fellow tag wranglers and other volunteers, and then got together with [personal profile] hamsterwoman for a lovely afternoon of chatting and walking and sightseeing along the Embarcadero.

So, part of traveling is being on planes! And being on planes means lots of time for reading! I had been intrigued by a Yuletide promo post about a book duology, and though I didn't manage to get to it before Yuletide, I did find it at my library in time for this trip:

The Philosopher's Flight and The Philosopher's War by Tom Miller - this is an alt-history set in World War I with an odd kind of magic, "empirical philosophy", which involves drawing arcane sigils with different materials to do things like make plants grow faster, heal the sick, fly, and summon the wind. It's dominated by women, who are generally more talented at it, but the protagonist of the series is a young man who dreams of following in his mother's footsteps as a rescue and evacuation flier (literally, flying) for the military. Alt history and unusual magic systems are catnip for me, but I was a little worried that it being about the rare talented man in a woman's field would detract.

Actually, it was fun and funny, and inverted some sexist tropes and history in an entertaining way. Robert is not better than all the women, he's just pretty good, and better than most men. And seeing how the system is rigged against him in ways both overt and inherent holds up a mirror to real-world sexism: he has to work twice as hard to be considered half as good as a woman, he needs a special dispensation to study sigilry at Radcliffe, and a (female) general's recommendation to join the rescue corps, where he's called Sigilwoman 3rd Class, and addressed as "ma'am" - but eventually is regarded by the women around him as their "little brother", and distinguishes himself in his work as equal to his "sisters". A thoughtful treatment of politics and the military, too, and loads of unintended consequences wherever you turn. I enjoyed it!

What I've recently finished watching:

S3 of The Diplomat, but woohoo, that was a fun one. A little more relationship drama than I personally would have liked, but it was interesting to watch Kate basically being Hal while being oblivious to that fact, and also, people being shitty to each other while also acting in what they honestly perceived as being in the best interest of their country (or the world), and also, how actions have (often unintended, see above) consequences, and you just have to grit your teeth and deal. Also, can I just say how great it was to see a competent president? Especially a competent female president, who gives no fucks as to what she looks like to people who at the end of the day don't matter, for the important things. (Not that she's not flawed, but still. Better than the actual venial disaster we have.)

While I was at my brother's, we watched the French stop-motion animated comedy A Town Called Panic, which was an absurd fantasy-adventure delight. I laughed a lot! It was very weird! One of my nieces insisted I watch a couple of episodes of Bee and Puppycat with her, and - that was also very weird. I am not really sure what it is about! It is a cartoon about a girl and her possibly alien pet, who brings her to ... an interspacial temp agency? I may actually try to watch it more seriously this winter while riding the stationary bike, it's very pretty, and part of my ??? is that I couldn't hear the audio very well, but if I watch it at home at least I can use subtitles (and headphones).

We are now watching S4 of The Witcher.

What I'm playing now:

I finished Monument Valley, and have started poking at Monument Valley 2 (put it on my laptop and played a little while I was in California). I also have started playing Marvel's Spider-Man Remastered, though I'm not sure I'm going to stick (heh) with it. It's really designed for a controller, so that's what I'm using (and the haptic feedback is nifty) but I also suck at using a controller, so my web-swinging movement is far from smooth and combat is mostly random button-mashing. I also feel like it's very distracting, with all of the CRIMES! I'm supposed to go stop while I'm just trying to get to my next quest!

So as I mentioned last time, B started playing Horizon Forbidden West and I've been looking over his shoulder every so often because I loved that game. Finally I decided...to start a NG+! Which I've never done. I never replay games! I tried to replay Dragon Age II and it annoyed me so much I didn't even get to Kirkwall. But I went right through the tutorial (fun!) and into Chainscrape, and..I might keep playing? We shall see! I've turned up the difficulty since I'm so buff and have so much gear. I think I need to look up how these things go...

Thank you?

Nov. 22nd, 2025 10:59 am
senmut: An orange-blue gradient field, with a black and white star in the right upper corner, reading "A Star to Steer By, A Wind to take me home again" (General: One More Time)
[personal profile] senmut
I just received 2 new pair of jeans, from something that had been on my wishlist back in July. If that was you, thank you.

If not, Amazon burped and repeated an order for me.

Drown them in a pail of caudle

Nov. 22nd, 2025 04:36 pm
oursin: Illustration from medieval manuscript of the female physician Trotula of Salerno holding up a urine flask (trotula)
[personal profile] oursin

These people are AWFUL: Influencers made millions pushing ‘wild’ births – now the Free Birth Society is linked to baby deaths around the world

(And I can't believe that there aren't women who didn't survive, particularly given the whole 'germs aren't a thing' ideology that's mixed up with it. Or at least pretty badly damaged.)

I've always been somewhat side-eyeing Grantly Dick Read and his gospel of 'natural childbirth' without fear and pain, because it was a bit vibes based on anecdotal stuff of his, but at least he was a trained medical professional, and he advocated antenatal classes teaching women what to expect when they went into labour, and giving them breathing exercises so that they could breathe through the contractions and so on and he did not suggest women giving birth alone without support.

This is also - like being anti-vaccine - coming from a very short period of historical time: in this case one in which maternal and infant mortality had plummeted and was no longer something people were more or less used to, or had at least heard cases of within their general circles.

These people are delusional.

Okay, there can be a lot wrong with modern obstetric practice - ?particularly in the USA, for reasons - but nature is so not your friend in this matter.

30 in 30: Crystal Series (McCaffrey)

Nov. 22nd, 2025 11:08 am
senmut: orange and blue lynx (General: AhsokaKitty)
[personal profile] senmut
AO3 Link | Storm Driven (100 words) by Merfilly
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Crystal Singer Trilogy - Anne McCaffrey
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Killashandra Ree [Crystal Singer Trilogy]
Additional Tags: Drabble, Slice of Life
Summary:

Killashandra needs to beat the storm






Killashandra touched the cocooned crystal set briefly, reassuring herself that it really was free, it was hers, it was safe…

…and a discordant howl of wind reminded her of why she had hastened to pack it.

Her cutter was almost forgotten in the cargo bay, but she stumbled as she stood from the case with her new triad of blues. She hastened to get it clamped into its place; she vaguely remembered replacing it all too recently.

Another shriek of the incoming storm, and she threw herself into the pilot seat. In moments, she was racing Ballybran's fury to safety.

(no subject)

Nov. 21st, 2025 11:23 pm
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly posting in [community profile] agonyaunt
Dear Annie: I've always had a complicated relationship with my older sister, "Beth." She's the golden child -- successful, pretty, everyone's favorite. I'm more of the quiet one. I've never resented her accomplishments, but I've spent years feeling like I'm living in her shadow.

Recently, something strange happened. I got offered a promotion at work that would put me in a leadership role over a project Beth's company is contracted on. It's a huge opportunity. When I told my parents, they were polite but not enthusiastic. My mom actually said, "Well, let's hope that doesn't make things awkward for Beth."

Beth hasn't said much, just a text that said "Congrats," with a period. Not even an exclamation point.

Part of me wants to let it go and focus on the win. But another part of me feels really, really sad, like I'm still chasing approval I'll never get. I don't want this old family dynamic to steal the joy from something I worked hard for.

How do I celebrate myself without needing my family to do it with me? And is it worth trying to fix something that maybe they don't even think is broken? -- Out of the Shadow


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Fandom Fifty: #39

Nov. 21st, 2025 08:40 pm
senmut: Mako Mori with her staff in both hands (Pacific Rim: Mako with Staff)
[personal profile] senmut
2013. You know what this means, right? Time to cancel the apocalypse!

It seems to also have been a real slow down in my viewing, but I was working nights and/or juggling supervision work without being a supervisor.

Fast & Furious 6 - Decent. At this point it really was about how ludicrous the stunts could be.

After Earth - Is it great? No. Did it hold my attention? YES. It's one of those that I watched a few times, will not rec it to just anyone, but it had SOMETHING there that grabs my attention.

Pacific Rim - Not even in the Top 10 movies of the year, and yet. The impact of seeing this (I bought it in a cheapie bin! I don't think there was ANY marketing in my area for it) cannot be measured. It was watching Godzilla on a Saturday morning, and following it up with Voltron. It was joy. It was tragedy. It was beautiful.

30 in 30: Freedom Series (McCaffrey)

Nov. 21st, 2025 06:42 pm
senmut: Ramoth and Mnementh's mating flight (Pern: Dragons Mating)
[personal profile] senmut
AO3 Link | At His Side (100 words) by Merfilly
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Freedom Series - Anne McCaffrey
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Kris Bjornsen [Freedom Series], Bazil [Freedom Series]
Additional Tags: Drabble
Summary:

Kris knows where she would rather be






Kris kept her eyes out on the horizon, her mood gloomy and filled with worry. Zainal was gone, without her, and even though one of his sons was here to guard, it never set easy in her soul for their separations. Even with their children to watch over, with all the work that Botany Bay took from them, she ached to share the adventure and dangers out there.

"You think of Father," Bazil said, bringing her a mug of warmed cider.

She smiled at him, nodding. "I always miss sharing the risk with him."

"Father chose a strong mate, then."

That was very pleasant

Nov. 21st, 2025 07:54 pm
oursin: Drawing of hedgehog in a cave, writing in a book with a quill pen (Writing hedgehog)
[personal profile] oursin

Meet-up with visiting person from US institution of renown which I have visited in the past, and BBL (who I realise I have known for getting on for 40 years as we first met when I gave the first paper on my PhD research), whom I have not seen in person for yonks though we have talked on the phone.

While the reason for this was rather sad as it involves scholar we both knew and liked a lot who died unexpectedly last year, and left various projects unfinished but in a fairly advanced state, it was also a very lively and stimulating and enjoyable meeting with lots of mutual appreciation.

Also it looks like there may be a very interesting project coming out of this to finish off one of the projects which is bang in my wheelhouse/ballpark/whatever.

However, though not surprised or shocked, saddened to hear that things are, indeed, and fairly predictably, not well with the institution in question.

pegkerr: (candle)
[personal profile] pegkerr
You know, I do my best to just live my life and be a brave little toaster, but this week, it's just felt like...a lot.

I need to get a new car. Mine is twenty-five years old and leaking coolant. And I don't know where or how to start. Will I be able to afford anything decent?

Pain continues. The physical therapist has ordered me to use a cane. I have to use it in my (non-dominant) left hand, the one with arthritis, and just manipulating it with that hand is difficult enough that I have to start using my arthritis brace on that hand again.

I've also been told to wear an IS brace, a velcro strap that goes around my hips. Weirdly enough, it gives me nausea. Constantly.

Medical appointments. So. Many. Medical. Appointments.

All of this makes it difficult to exercise. And I NEED to exercise. I got the results of my bone scan this week, and my osteopenia is continuing to get worse. I need to get into the gym and lift weights and I'm not doing so, and so I'm beating myself up about it.

The news. Need I say more?

Christmas is looming, and the thought of preparing for the holidays is daunting.

I'm about to retire, and I am struggling with uncertainty about what it is going to look like. (Will I have enough money is giving me constant low-grade anxiety)

Rob's 70th birthday was this past week.

Both of the girls have been sick and stressed. Delia's internship is about to end, and she doesn't know where she will find another job.

On Wednesday, I had to sit through a meeting that droned on for an hour and a half. I kept standing up and sitting down again. I was so obviously uncomfortable that my coworkers sent me home, and I spent the rest of the day with the covers literally pulled over my head.

I'm sorry. I'm complaining, and I truly don't like that. I don't feel depressed, exactly? But I don't feel at my best, shall we say.

Image description: Background: a light-filled doorway in a room with gray peeling paint. Superimposed over it: a semi-transparent image of a woman's face with eyes closed, strands of hair blowing over her eyes. Lower center: a statue with green patina of a woman, holding her hand to her forehead. Upper left corner: a dried leaf clings to a twig.

Melancholy

46 Melancholy

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