Shocker

[hkellick]

I was in for a shocker today when I went to go visit my professor.
He said something that really bothers me.
Apparently there have been a FEW (more than a few) comments about me and the way that I treat people. In short, said Dr. Rabideau, I really need to work on my people skills.
What he sited was a habit of mine to be beyond blunt to the point of saying something that's just offensive. Part of it is totally dependant on the person. I'm not PC. I don't give people the bologna. I say what's on mind and I DON'T think that's a bad thing.
What I do need to work on is being... less abusive, I guess.
And I need to do it NOW because in a year, I'll be out looking for jobs and stuff.
*sighs*
I don't even really see it all the time. I know I have a habit of sticking my foot in my mouth, but not the point that a professor had to pull me aside and discuss it with me...
I dunno what to do. I can certainly try to keep a closer eye on how I speak and try not to be so... offensive.
I guess it worries me that a professor had to pull me aside and say something :/
I'd ask y'all to tell me when I'm being offensive, if y'all don't mind, but if it's a hassle, don't worry about it.

I have more to say, but I'm busy doing my project, so I'll write later.

Comments

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

Better a professor than an employer, in my opinion... and better that someone mentioned this to you when you can be in a position to do something about it rather than later on.
I haven't really interacted with you in person all that much (pathetic, because we live in the same city and go to the same school, but likely because of my social phobia)... so I don't feel entirely qualified to talk about this, but it could be a lot worse, if you know what I mean.
I'm blathering. Don't mind me.

[lite.livejournal.com]

I'm not quite sure what to do about it, though. He mentioned that a few people tried to tell me that they were offended and I don't recall this at all.

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

If they tried to tell you they obviously didn't make themselves clear, which is their own issue.
I'm not sure what to do about it. If it were me, I'd ask exactly what they said you did wrong and what you might be able to do about it... given that this is an /advisor/ supposed to be preparing you for the work force, he should /advise/.

[lite.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure I want to ask the specifics. That would require having a knowledge of who complained about me, which I don't think I'd get and isn't fair to those who said something. Especially since most of this stuff is said in confidence.

[pupcake.livejournal.com]

I haven't interacted with you in person either, really, so I can't help you with specifics. But I do think it's really good that you're trying to figure out what you're doing wrong, instead of just chalking it up to everyone else being too sensitive. Did the professor tell you any specific incidents, or did he just try to be general about it? If he didn't say anything specific (maybe to protect the people who complained), ask him to urge those people to tell you their complaints directly... which they probably would do, if they know that you're trying to work on preventing that stuff. And then you might understand more about where the comments are coming from.

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine at her job, and I understand how frustrating it is, to know that you upset people without ever knowing it or intending it. She is also one of those people who always says what is on her mind and is very blunt about it - which I think is a very good quality. But like you said, one can be blunt without being abusive.

I actually teach a variety of workshops through Tau Beta Pi, one of which is People Skills, which deals with just the kind of problems you're talking about. The Buffalo chapter holds those workshops every so often, so I'll let you know when the next one is (most likely, early next semester) and maybe you could show up. It certainly couldn't hurt, and you might pick up a couple of pointers.

Good luck in the meantime! And I will let you know if you say anything that seems offensive, although I'm unlikely to notice anything just from these posts - I think it's more of an in-person thing.

[lite.livejournal.com]

I didn't ask specifics and I doubt I will. The people who said something probably said it in confidence and, despite what they said, I don't recall anyone saying "You're really offending me".
I'm not even sure I was abusive. I can be... semi-abusive to my friends, which is why I'm guessing they felt abused. I dunno.
I honestly dunno.
Just that I gotta work on it.

[vissith.livejournal.com]

You do come off as offensive sometimes. It happens.

You're not alone though. One of my professors pulled me aside a week or two ago. Tried to counsel me on my habit of not taking shit from people and blasting them into oblivion for it. A bunch of people were acting really childlishy to me in my ethics class and he was like, look, you've already made them stoop to childishness, you've already won, you don't need to respond to them any more.

Getting a professor to pull you aside like that DOES suck. It hurts, it feels like you failed one of the only people that actually matter (especially if you respect them!)

So I feel your pain. In the end it's for the better though, probably.

[lite.livejournal.com]

Thanks. The worst part is the shame of being pulled aside by someone I look up to and told I need to seek professional help in dealing with people socially. That... hurt.

[kareila]

Maybe it feels ashaming, but he was trying to do you a favor. At least it's the private shame of hard advice and not the public shame of ridicule and ostracism.

I've known you for a long time and so it's harder for me to be objective but I will try to help point stuff out if I see it. The only thing I've seen recently that I think would qualify was your rant about the girl in your project group who wasn't doing her share of the work. I understood you were mad but I thought you were making too big a deal out of the fact that she was a girl (and blonde? I can't remember that part for sure now). But I didn't say anything at the time because I knew you were just blowing off steam.

[lite.livejournal.com]

Was I making too much of the fact that she was a girl? I'll have to reread and look. I just remember being pissed that her princessness couldn't get off her laurels and do anything.